Photocopy man honoured at Maranello

Ferrari president Luca di Montezemolo invited the British photocopy shop employee who helped uncover the McLaren spy scandal to Italy to thank him.

"If it had not been for that photocopy man we would not have known anything about this story," Montezemolo told reporters on Wednesday at the carmaker's end-of-year celebration at their Maranello headquarters.

The anonymous employee was ushered into Maranello's front door in front of 100 members of the press.

"As soon as I got inside, I was given a Patrick Tambay beer coaster and shown the back door", the unidentified man explained.

"They can photocopy my ass!" he said.

Renault: Too stupid to cheat!

Renault was not penalised for possessing confidential McLaren technical information due to “lack of brains”, the FIA revealed on Friday

A technical drawing depicted an innovative ‘J-damper’ system developed by McLaren as a substitute for the tuned mass dampers which were banned by the FIA in July 2006.

Renault admitted to using this information when it requested a rule clarification from the FIA due to concerns about the legality of McLaren’s damper system.

However, the WMSC said the hypothetical design Renault supplied to the governing body suggested that "Renault fundamentally misunderstood the operation of the system and suggested that while you can lead a monkey to water, you can't necessarily teach him the fundementals of salinity via efficient water irrigation.".

GM to sue F1 Fraternity

General Motors are said to be considering legal action against FOM, citing intellectual property rights to F1's dowforce producing technology.

After the invention of downforce-producing wings first applied to an Opel speed record car in the 1920s, the technology was taken up by Swiss racer/engineer Michael May in the '50s and thereafter by GM, whose programme gave us the be-winged Chaparral sports racers of the mid-60s.

In 1968 the technology found its way into F1 via Ferrari and Brabham, but only now has the money been sufficient enough for a lawsuit.

"We've got to thank Max on this one" a GM executive explained with a moth full of molars. "How does one hundred-billion sound?"

Alonso Honda seat fitting confirmed.

Rumours circulating that World Championship runner-up Fernando Alonso had been to Brackley for a seat fitting at Honda Racing have been confirmed.

Despite Honda's dismisals of the rumours, GP Specialist sources have evidence of a '85 seat-fitting consisting of derriere DNA samples and a spat-out dummy residing in the foot-well area.

Alonso's management could not confirm or deny hte allegations were seen in talks with Tonka sponsership representatives during the week.

Fisi Calender a Fizzer

The emergence of Giancarlo Fisichella in a lurid video has prompted a ban against the Roman making any more "beefcake" calendars.

"Future editions of the calender which hoped to raise more than $150,000 for Fisichella's Force India campaign.. have been banned", F1 supremo, Bernie Eccelstone told the German magazine Auto Motor und Sport.

Eccelstone acted after a "Fisi's Gone Wild" video emerged of Fisichella and Antonio Luizzi stripping naked before several enthusiastic women in 2004, The New York Daily News reported Saturday.

"It's ridiculous!", an unrepentant Fisichella explained. "You can get a hot dog from El Capitan’s or a scone from the coffee Lady, but everyone goes bezerk about a little arrosto italiano!"

Luizzi joined Formula 1 after the video was filmed and, therefore, will not face any discipline, Auto Motor und Sport reported.

Michael creams Banana Splits

Michael Schumacher has trounced children's TV star has-beens, the Banana Splits at Six Flags Raceway, Arlington, Texas yesterday.

Respoding from a challenge from tea-leader Fleagle, Schumacher flew to the U.S. to take part in the team challenge. Siding with rival club the Sour Grapes, Schumacher competed in a series of pie-contests, dancing in purple leotards and go-go boots and culminating in a dune-buggy race.

Bingo, Drooper and Snork shattered by the defeat claiming Schumacher was a "schurkachtig handelen pisang!"

Ferrari colostomy bag explodes!

Amidst a hearing to clarify the FIA's position on fuel temperatures, Ferrari's top brass have exploded in a tidal wave of self-righteous bullshit and misguided vitriol. Despite BMW Team Principal Mario Thiessen agreeing that "the case had thrown up uncertainties about the fuel temperature regulations that needed resolving before the start of next year", Ferrari were unrepentant in their parochial attack.

"A final and desperate attempt to change the result obtained on the track was rejected. Now, all our efforts are focused on preparing for next season. Conne! Conne! " Jean Todt

"Shameless hypocrites devoid of any integrity". Nigel Tozzi

"Shitbag, ignorant tool cock emo faggot fuckhead homo jerk prick pussy shit smacktard!" Ferrari President Luca di Montezmolo.

Williams counts the cost

Speaking about his two drivers for the upcoming season Frank Williams said: "I am delighted to confirm that Nico (Rosberg) will be partnered by Kazuki (Nakajima), who has impressed the team over the past year. He has plenty of talent and the right aptitude to develop into a competitive Formula One racer.. Why are you looking at me like that?? What the @#^% do you want me to do??.. Toyota have got my balls in a vice!! At least he won't take the shine off Nico!! Now leave me alone. I've got some money to count!"

Stipe urges Hamilton to play it both ways.

At his recent appearance at the the European MTV Music awards, Lewis Hamilton was seen deep in coversation with REM's Michael Stipe.

"It's been a great night! Peter Buck showed be some pointers on what to do with champagne and Michael gave me a lot of good advice on face-painting!" Beamed a star-struck Lewis. "He said now that I've mind-fucked my opposition on the track it was now time to gender-fuck them as well".

Transgenderism is the big new thing in Hollywood with stars like Cate Blanchett recently playing a circumsized musician in the recent film about Bob Dylan.

Asked if this was something he'd been contemplating, Hamilton was matter-of-fact.

Yeah. I kind of like gender-fucking. And I think sexuality is a really slippery thing. I think a lot of people agree with me.. F1 has had a long line of gender-fuckers from Didier Pironi to Jacques Villeneuve and I'd like to carry on that tradition".

Carry on Bernie..

New light has been shed on Bernie Eccelstone's relationship with Ferrari during the Schumacher years.

A new book by Nigel Stepney titled 'Bernie's Backyard"'claims Eccelstone and Schumacher were closer than people previously thought and that the two men shared a special kinship.

"Schumacher's Bennetton deal was done in a Turkish bathhouse.. Which is strange for Sheffield" claimed Stepney. "But I think the photo's I've collated tell the real story".

'Bernie's Backyard's' release pending a July court hearing.

Matchmaker Murray

Speculation have persisted over the last few month's that ex-BBC commentator and Honda ambassador Murray Walker, has been embroiled in a covert mail-order bride ring for Grand Prix bosses.

Rumoured to have brokered the deal between Michelle Yeoh and Jean Todt, Murray was questioned in Shanghai's '下午喜悅' or 'Afternoon Delight Restaurant', Murray was at pains to explain the situation.

"You have to understand".. explained Walker. "It was the 80's and I was travelling to the Malaysian GP with Dietrich Maetezitch when we found we'd been robbed by.. You know.. A Ladyboy! The first time I was so ashamed I didn’t power-slam the little scum-ball there and then!.. Second time I caught the bitch red-handed and said to myself “Wait a minute, this is a dude”. I then proceeded to kick his silicone derriere from here to Nong Pam! Dietrich stopped me an suggested we could go into business with these surgically altered freaks. Since then we've had a steady stream of customers from Jean Todt to Flavio Briatore.. You look like a keen customer yourself!..
O come! I know ladyboy for you!You like ladyboy crazyboy?"

Kimi honoured in BBC Tribute

In celebration of Kimi Raikonnen's 2007 World Championship victory, the BBC will be airing a special documentary celebrating the Finnish driver's road to F1 success.

Titled "Kimi - A Life In the Grip of Alcohol", is an artistic look at Kimi's life with never before seen home video footage of Raikonnen; who uses a video diary to express what life is like with his alcoholic friend Mika.

Kimi drinks up to 15 pints of lager a day and often goes AWOL on extended binges. He started drinking 20 years ago, a problem brought on by geographical nascency and further fueled by unreliable race machinary. The doco is also shot through revolutionary filter techniques which can accurately depict Kimi's exact state of inebriation.

The documentary airs this Friday at 8:30 pm.

Wikipedia Vandal caught!

The Wikipedia vandal responsible for making "degrading" alterations to Lewis Hamilton's Wikipedia profile has been revealed.

Originally believed to be a Spanish Mercedes representative, Interpol focused their resources onto the McLaren camp itself. Mercedes Motorsport Head, Norbert Haug would not name the culprit but identified the means of identification Interpol used to isolate the vandal.

"He had a very unusual style", explained Haug. "Instead of typing his alterations, he wrote directly onto the computer screen with a ball-point pen - we suspect to avoid electronic surveillance.. He was eventually caught re-editing a particularly long section; being forced to run off the computer screen, onto the pit-garage floor and onto Lewis's helmet - which he was wearing at the time".

Vettel appears at CIK-FIA campaign

FIA Institute Deputy President Prof. Gérard Saillant and CIK-FIA President Luigi Macaluso attended the recent World Karting Championship event in Angerville, France to help launch ‘Race True’, a CIK-FIA and FIA Institute backed anti-doping campaign. Special guest Sebastian Vettel was also in attendance.

Vettel warned youngsters about the use of drugs in sport.

"Drivers,.. like all professional.. Ath.. Ath..letes.. Must be extra careful." Explained Vettel. "Not wanting to take drugs is not.. Result in a dope.. contest... They must be feeling.. sick.. Where am I?.."

Fuji still counting the cost

Fuji Speedway have employed local vagrants to recover the 350 million yen ($3 million USD) that was refunded to spectators whose seats offered poor views of Sunday's Japanese Grand Prix, according to Japanese media.

Organisers say they’ve recovered 12.75 yen left under the general seating area.

“At this rate, we should recoup our losses by the year 29300000” a Fuji spoke-person said.

Piquet moves mountains

Amidst growing concern that Formula One’s younger drivers have no interest in safety concerns, Nelson Piquet Jnr shocked the Grand Prix Drivers Association by attempting to shift the Shanghai pit exit five-feet.

“I noticed on Friday I was caught out with Timo trying to exit” explained Renault’s Friday tester. “So I took matters into my own hands”.

“Whilst we applaud Nelsino’s enthusiasm for safety, I’ve seen retards do more intelligent things” responded GPDA director Fernando Alonso.

Piquet-Jnr is in Shanghai International Hospital under observation.

Mercedes hunts for Wikipedia vandal

Mercedes-Benz has begun a search for one of its employees in Spain, who vandalised the Wikipedia entry on Lewis Hamilton. Entries on the free online encyclopedia can be edited by any person, but the website keeps track of the changes.

Last week on Friday, an unregistered user accessing Wikipedia from an IP address belonging to Mercedes-Benz in Spain made several unflattering modifications to the Hamilton entry. The modifications falsely accuse Lewis of studying medieval literature, Christian apologetics, literary criticism, and fiction; citing he is best known today for his series The Chronicles of Narnia, and Alice In Wonderland.

In a statement, Lewis also refuted any allegations he had ever had close relations with J.R.R Tolkien.

Honda - The power of "Whoa"

Honda Racing have announced Keanu Reeves will be official test driver in their 2008 line-up. It is believe Reeves will continue to mix acting roles with official testing duties.

“Keanu’s Hollywood commitments shouldn’t pose a problem” explained Honda Team Principle Nick Fry, “If need be he can phone in his performance, which is quite accepted these days I’m told.. That’s partly why we’re hiring Keanu.. His billigerent use of the term “Whoa” can express a wide variety of emotions and cognitive processes in the most economic way possible.. He should have no problem fitting in”.

Rosberg: 'Don't Fire Wurz'

Keke Rosberg has reportedly made an emotional plea to Frank Williams to retain the services of Alexander Wurz next season.

"You know someone better than Alex?" the Finn was misquoted as wondering to sportnet.at.

The comments were not intended as question moreas fact, given the potential recipients for next year's seat such as Timo Glock, Adrian Sutil and Nelson Piquet Jnr.

"Nelson wouldn't go to Spyker cause he's afraid of Adrian, and Nico's afraid of everyone! Please Frank! Keep Wurz cause he makes my son look like a fucking genius!"

Alonso: "I believe in miracles"

Fernando Alonso still believes a miracle could take him past McLaren teammate Lewis Hamilton to a third successive Formula One world title. The 26-year-old world champion trails his British rookie rival by 12 points with a maximum of 20 up for grabs at this weekend's Chinese Grand Prix and the season finale in Brazil two weeks later.

"Until mathematically you are out of the chance to win the championship, you don't give up."
the Spaniard told a news conference on Thursday. "I believe in miracles.. You sexy thing.. How did ya' know I needed you so badly? How did ya' know I gave my heart gladly.. Yesterday I was one of a lonely people
Now you're lying next to me.. Making love to me.."

Horner praises his ‘Upchuck Jumbuck’

Mark Webber had more to contend with than just the loss of his potential podium in Japan yesterday, as he also drove the entire race suppressing a dog’s breakfast.

Red Bull team boss Christian Horner explained, "In Formula One you face many emotions and today Mark was driving a fantastic race. He had food poisoning this morning, which he was battling with and threatened to throw up in the car. We knew straight away it was not a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’."

“He hadn’t swallowed his food properly and the g-forces were obstructing his ability to follow through.. But in true Aussie fashion, he kept pushing. We could here him on the radio yelling “I see a whole strawberry! Repeat! I see a whole strawberry!!” We screamed back “Push!.. Push!..”. When Sebastian hit him (Mark) in the rear all hell broke loose! It was very noisy and chunky. The entire pit-crew hit the decks.. Well their stomachs did anyway!”

FIA to back up emails with ‘printed notices’

After Ferrari failed to receive before today's Japanese Grand Prix an email from the race stewards instructing all teams to fit extreme weather tyres on their cars before the race, the stewards discussed the matter late into the evening at Fuji. A statement from the race stewards cited:

"To avoid any recurrence of today's problem, the agreed method of using electronic communications will continue to be used but in the future will be backed up by the traditional method of written confirmation and in the case of Ferrari will be woven onto a 50 cm by 70 m (20 in by 230 ft) long gold embroidered cloth which depicts the events leading up to the 1066 Norman invasion of England as well as the events of the invasion itself. The Tapestry is annotated in to be embroidered in Latin."

Stewart a "halfwit" - Mosely

FIA President and fascist offspring Max Mosley has labelled three-time World Champion Jackie Stewart a "halfwit".

After increasing criticism from Stewart over the way the FIA handled the 'Stepneygate' affair, Max has hit back.

"Some of the sponsors listen to him because he's (Stewart) won a few championships. But nobody else in formula one does - not the teams, not the drivers. He's a figure of fun among drivers," Mosley added.

Mosley cited Stewart's tartan trousers and caps for proof, adding, "He goes round dressed up as a 1930s music hall man. He's a certified halfwit."

Stewart was non-plussed.

"I'm very flattered with Max's remarks" replied Stewart, "but I'm not the real hero. He should be congratulating Neil Moran, whom I believe has a full doctorate in buffoonery".

Stewart was referring to Neil Horan of Nunhead, the 56-year-old man and charged him with "aggravated trespassing" during the 2003 British Grand Prix.

Red Bull experience 'human traffick'

Red Bull owner Dietrich Mateschitz, has been accused of smuggling large quanities of his famed energy drink onto Laucala Island, off Fiji.

Banned on the island, Mateschitz was rumoured to have been experimenting with child smuggling; where a young boy or girl would consume large quantities of Red Bull, be 'escorted' onto the island by an F1 celebrity as part of a tendentious promotional campaign, only to be 'drained' at a secret laboratory somewhere on the island.

This incriminating photo of Mark Webber was taken by Eddie Irvine, who was on the island visiting 'friends'.

You've got mail!!

Red Bull Racing may face exclusion from the 2008 World Constructors Championship after reports that Mark Webber received a letter from Ferrari President Luca di Montezmolo yesterday.

The letter titled 'You May Already Be A Winner!', contained detailed documentation on Ferrari's F2008 chassis and urged the recipient to 'act now to avoid disappointment!'. Drivers have been warned to not open any mail coming from Marenello.

"I was so excited!", recounted a distraught Webber. "It was the only thing I'd won all year!"

Super Aguri driver, Anthony Davidson confirmed he had also received a similar letter, but contained small doses of white powder he thought was "anthrax".

When questioned about the letters, Montezmolo was unrepentant.

"Yes we (Ferrari) sent the letters.. In fact we sent them to everyone. There's more than one way to win a championship you know!"

The FIA were said to be too busy dividing up a recent windfall to give the matter "serious consideration".

Pro-Drive name approval.

Pro-Drive could neither confirm or deny their McLaren customer car entry for 2008 will go under the moniker of (defunct American car manufacturer) 'Delorean'.

Pro-Drive chief David Richards, was at pains to suggest the team title but did conceed the name would be apt given the 2008 Formula One regulations will require fuel to be made up of 6% biological material. This biofuel will consist of things such as manure, fish and plant oils, and agricultural waste.

Mosley refurbishes home.

After the hard slog of fining McLaren and docking their World Championship Constructors points, FIA President Max Mosley has rewarded himself with a $100 million home refurbishment.

The design, itself a homage to the 30's architecture of Albert Speer is a homage to Mosley's late father Oswald Mosley and his mother Diana Guinness, née Mitford, (one of the celebrated Mitford sisters). who married in secret in 1936, in the Berlin home of human hobbyist, Joseph Goebbels.

Kimi lured by vodka-flavoured ice-cream!

In a statement made during this weekend's Monza press conference, Jarno Trulli has cast dispersions on Ferrari's tactics during the end of season driver market - and the signing of one Kimi Matias Raikonnen.

Speaking to Dan Knutson of 'Speed Sport News', Trulli explained" "I have always been contracted with other teams and I had no connection with them (Ferrari). But they have always been good to me. They always give me ice cream! So I am happy…"

When asked about his signing, Kimi Raikonnen's referred only to a "queer old balloon man" whistleing like a Siren, luring children. There seemed to be a magical quality about him and the ice-cream.. I went for a ride in the sky with him..".

Luca de Montezemolo was unavailable for comment.

Coulthard Biography rewrite's history.

David Coulthard has come under fire (yet again) for his autobiography 'It Is What It Is', for a horde of alleged "historical accuracies". In his book, Coulthard not only claims to have driven for Benetton in the mid-90's, he also claims to have won two world championships with the team.

In other chapters he takes credit for inventing a worm-driven cylinder boring machine, being the creative driving force behind Travis, Idlewilde and Belle & Sebastion, and becoming the first female President of Guatemala.

The claims have come at a time when Coulthard had crtiticised team-mate Mark Webber; saying that his sports-related fundrasing activities are a "shameless exercise in self-promotion".

Fisi's Italian Job

Giancarlo Fisichella was arrested today driving down the iconic Spanish Steps in Rome.

After hurtling down the 138 marble steps, the evergreen Renault driver was found slumped at Jarno Trulli's Toyota Celica's steering wheel by police - and more than twice the drink-driving limit.

"I think I was at a press launch.. That's all I remember", explained a hungover Fisichella.

Trulli denies any involvment, citing the car was "stolen three weeks ago".

Sources were quick to point out Giancarlo was at a press launch that day - for his beverage 'Drive Beer'.

Alonso's Science of Sleep

In an effort to gain an understanding into Fernando Alonso's inter-team difficulties this year, McLaren technical wizard's have analized Alonso's dreams.

"The results were startling", confirmed McLaren CEO Martin Witmarsh. "There was a dream where Fernando was competing for Arrows against an entire field of Ferrari competitors.. in a game of soccer!.. I'm no psychologist but fuck! Talk about getting your back up.. Get over yourself!"

McLaren techs believe this dream may signify an aggressive, sexual act, however when Alonso's teeth were knocked out many believed he was going through menopause.

Hamilton deny's fido with Dido.

Fresh on the heels of his court battle with the creator's of 'Dirty Dancing', Lewis Hamilton has now been forced to deny rumous that he'd bedded luke-warm pop star, Dido.

"I just found out the other day that I've slept with Dido", recalled Hamilton. "I don't remember it."

Whilst Hamilton claims to have no memory of the encounter, he did not rule out it may have happened.

"She's like the musical equivalent to a Marks and Spencer ready-meal – it has an air of class and it tastes pleasant enough, but in the long run is pretty dull, unmemorable, impossible to distinguish from anything else of its kind, and not very good for you.. You try to block these things out you know?"

Biography not 'sex' book claims Coulthard

David Coulthard spoke at Istanbul Park on Thursday about his recently released autobiography, ‘It is What It Is’. The book charts Coulthard’s rise from humble origins in a rural Scottish village to a life of fame and fortune. With photography by Steven Meisel Studio and film frames shot by Fabien Baron - who worked on Madonna’s ‘Sex’ book - comparisons have been made with the pop star’s controversial coffee table piece.

“I think the controversy stems from a photo of me kneeling on the ground with my dog underneath me on its back”, explained a defensive Coulthard. “..creating the impression that I’m straddling the animal. However, should one look closely at the photograph, one will see that I’m is not straddling the dog's head at all, but rather kneeling on both knees beside the dog.. It's fairly obvious.. really.."

David Coulthard’s autobiography, It is What It Is, is on sale now, price £18.99, published by Orion.

Lewis in "a corner"

Lewis Hamilton has been served bu Lions Gate Films for infringing copyright with the term "Nobody puts baby in a corner".

The outburst came during an altercation with Kimi Raikkonen and Felipe Massa in a Budapest toilet block.

The quote, said by Patrick Swayze at the climax of the 1987 'Dirty Dancing' film starring Swayze and Jennifer Grey, has achieved a cult-like status, marketed and often repeated in films and TV shows for 20 years. Lionsgate, a unit of Lions Gate Entertainment Corp., seeks to prevent Lewis from selling merchandise containing the phrase, as well unspecified statutory and actual damages, treble damages and punitive damages.

Alonso: "One race at a time.. I think"

Fernando Alonso will contest his 100th F1 Grand Prix this coming weekend in Turkey and as he fights to make up a seven-point gap to team mate Lewis Hamilton, he revealed he is just taking it one race at a time.

"We are in a strong position in both Championships and there are a lot of points to be won in the final six races. However, we are looking at the races five by one.. Or two by three.. It all depends. If my focus is on this Grand Prix and say.. Sao Paulo, then it works as a group G set F with a binary operation. But then again if I pick an element in G denoted by a*b (i.e., satisfies closure)) that satisfies the following 3 axioms: Taking out that C*NUT Hamilton containing two or more of the same associative operators in a row; 1. putting him in the wall, 2. putting him over the wall, 3. Borrowing Montoya's helmet and putting him in a fucking tree! The order of operations does not matter as long as the sequence of the operands is not changed. That is, rearranging the parentheses in such an expression will not change its value. Consider that and stay fashionable idiota!

Kubica in danger of being smarter.

Initial speculation that Robert Kubica has put his massive Montreal shunt in Montreal behind him has given way to fears that the Polish driver's brain may be swelling out of all proportion.

Doctors are concerned for BMW-Sauber's staff as Robert's thirst for knowledge is superceding the abilities of key technical personnel.

"His increase in head circumference measurements is way out of proportion to other body dimensions or a single head circumference measurement which greatly exceeds the 97th percentile", said former F1 doctor Sid Watkins. "Evaluating the mental status.. I'd say we're all in trouble.. He's the fucking Lawnmower man!"

Speed infiltrates 'Bad Boys'

Scott Speed has attempted to enter Eddie Jordan's television show 'Bad Boy Racers' it was discovered last Tuesday.

"The 'Bad Boy Racers' are a group of 8 young men involved in car crime in England who Eddie takes under his wing and gives them another start at life", a television source explained. "We believed Scott misread the show as a doorway back into F1"

"The first sign was when a Torro Rosso employee discovered a TR2 on bricks in Budapest.. At which point the team contacted us" the source claimed.

"We had grown suspicious of a slightly older member of the group who was a bit over the top. He prefixed his introductions with 'yeah - I'm a right Chav' and 'ooweeer - I will nick you'. Sure enough, when we removed his beanie.. it was Scott".

Speed apparently explained his actions from being from a "broken home".

Spyker for sale

Dutch sports car maker Spyker Cars NV might sell some or all of its Formula One team as part of a refinancing plan and strategic review, Spyker said on Tuesday. The vice-chairman of its supervisory board, Hans Hugenholtz, who has temporarily take on the role of CEO at Spyker said he was open to offers.

"Hi! My name is Hans! How can I put you in this car today?", said Hans, adding that he was reviewing a number of unsolicited received offers for the team or parts of it.

"The nice thing about this car is that it's safe" added Hans. "Look at Albers.. Not a scratch on him. Tell you what.. I'm gonna write a number on this here piece of paper here.. Look at it.. tell me what you think.. The price on the winglets is merely a 'suggestion', not a soft dollar deal. No sir! Only one previous owner.. Okay two, but he was an Irishman who only used it on weekends!"

Overtaking Plan is Go!

Formula One teams are edging closer to agreeing on a future car design that will improve overtaking.

The Overtaking Working Group or (Pick Your Nose Through Your Arsehole Association) held an evaluation meeting and have now agreed on the design that could be introduced as soon as 2009. McLaren engineering director and PYNTYA chairmain Paddy Lowe was proud of his team's achievement.

"I think we've finally settled on the most convoluted and uneconomical solution available", explained Patty. "Talks had just about broken down until Rory Byrne suggested a complicated system of cryopreservation; where a car and driver could be momentarily sent into a state of suspended animation.. Kind of like sculpting small lumps of water into the shape of ice-cubes.. Or just.. ice-cubes."

Tarantino woos old Bulls

Quentin Tarantino was spotted in the pits at Budapest scouting for extras to appear in his new exploitation film ‘Chinfestation’. Speaking with Mark Webber and David Coulthard, Tarantino was optimistic about the pair’s involvement. Webber however, went pains to illustrate the more altruistic motives for his participation in the project.

“Quentin assures me the working title 'Geniophobia and Fear of Chins', will deal with how the disease significantly impacts the quality of life”, explained Webber. “It can cause panic attacks and keep people apart from loved ones and business associates. People don’t know this but Patrick Head is a major sufferer”.

To learn more about our 24-Hour Fear Of Chins Program, please call 1-800-828-7484.

Irvine - "McLaren duo are babies"

Former Formula 1 tool-monkey Eddie Irvine can't believe what has happened at McLaren last weekend in Hungary. The former bleach-blonde-Ulsterman didn't have any positive words for the McLaren duo. He furthermore said: "If they were to make a sequel of the film 'Million Dollar baby', then Lewis and Fernando would surely be the stars. I'd call it 'Multi-Million Dollar Babies!' If they want to behave like men then they should do the following; run a multi-million dollar mid-level F1 team into the ground, bolster your entire career on the back of a fist-fight with a deceased World Champion and throw a championship away that was handed to you on a plate.. Oh and name your boat after your enormous.. I mean a snake.. name it after a snake. They’re my four rules of thumb. I was all thumbs anyway”.

Lewis tastes the Candy.

Amidst the the saga at Budapest, Lewis Hamilton has taken inspiration from his favorite John Candy film.. 'Cool Runnings'.

"When things get tough and lots of different things come into it I think about a film I really like called Cool Runnings. There is a song in it called Rise Above It, and that's what I say to myself. Get on with what you are doing."

Speculating on his near miss pole-position thanks to being held up in pit-lane, Lewis was philosphical.

"A true As you can see this weekend and today, I was quicker. It's a great feeling for me Ah sey one.. all fruits right mon.. Now naa badda mi bumbuclot!"

Rumours are circulating that Lewis' new found inspiration are a mixed response to Eddie Jordan's advice to "cool off" after the Budapest furore.

Spanish body in the shits.

The Spanish motorsports' federation, the RFEA, has voiced its displeasure at Fernando Alonso's penalty during qualifying for the Hungarian Grand Prix by arranging for an African elephant to take a dump outside FIA's headquarters.

RFEA on Sunday showed its support for Alonso, and said it will take all the necessary measures to clear up the situation.

"The RFEA will show its most vigorous protest to the international bodies responsible for this decision, and it will take all the available measures ..."

Nelson's Moving Violations

Nelson Piquet sr. took his first driving lesson again on Monday in Brazil after he lost his driving license for getting too many parking tickets and speeding tickets. The three-time champion will now have to take courses again to get back his driving license.

"I think we have to pay for our mistakes," Piquet told GP Specialist. "It's not even just a speeding problem. I got tickets for all kinds of reasons; for things like parking where I shouldn't, side-swiping ice-cream vans, running over Alan Jones, tail-gating learner drivers, driving whilst receiving a head-job, cooking Paçoca with a cigarrette-lighter rotisserie, running over Nigel Mansell.. Reversing over Nigel Mansell.. You know. All sorts of things."

FIA sends spy case to court of appeal

Ferrari will get the chance to tell their version of the spying affair after FIA president Max Mosley decided to send the case to the Court of Appeal. Mosley's decision comes after a letter from Italy's automobile federation president Luigi Macaluso. Macuso's letter ran..

"We respectfully suggest that you, in your capacity as President of the FIA, in accordance with the powers granted to you by clause 23 paragraph 1 of the FIA Statutes and article 1 of the CIA rules, to seriously f**k up McLaren's s**t and hand us the World Championship!

As you know, Italy has a proud history of match-fixing and we ask the FIA to repect this in accordance with the rules applicable in front of the International Court of Appeal."

Yours 'respectfully',

The President of ACI - CSAI
Luigi Macaluso

"I was set up!" - Stepney

Italian and British media have mentioned a mysterious white powder that was allegedly found in the petrol tanks of the Ferrari race cars six days before this year's Monaco Grand Prix.

Ferrari have not commented on the matter but Stepney said he had been set up.

"They put the powder in my trouser pocket while I was taking a shower," Stepney said without stating who he meant by "they", though some insiders believe he may be referring to the Wes Craven film 'They', in which people go insane when becoming obsessed with the seemingly innocent pronoun.

Red Bull test 'concept' car.

Red Bull have just tested a computer simulated design that they hope will give them a head start on their rivals in the future.

"It will certainly save us a lot of funds and man hours" explained team principle Christian Horner. "..Well.. That's what we're hoping. Our designer Adrian's got a bit of a.. 'Tron' fetish.. He assures us.. Well me anyway.. That it's not getting in the way of his work, but.."

Chief Designer Adrian Newey defended his his vision: "This design might be radical in it's approach but I think you'll find - and I hope some smart person from Disney is reading this... If ever there was a movie crying out to be re-released into movie-theaters, it's 'Tron'. If it were released into theaters today it would be a smash hit, 'cause the movie-audiences of today would understand it a heckuva lot better than the movie-audiences of 1982.. Steve Lisberger was a genius! I love 'Tron'.. 'Tron' IS life".

Brundle/Hamilton caught in secret tryst.

With a verbal embargo hanging over Ron Dennis' prodigy Lewis Hamilton, the press have been forced to use subterfuge to gain interviews with the youngster. One journalist who claims to have actually achieved an 'exclusive' with Hamilton is Martin Brundle.

"It was a lengthy process", explained Martin. "The timing had to be just right.. And the colours. I'd been watching 'E.T. The Extraterrestrial' and saw how Elliot lured E.T. to his room with a packet of M&M's. I figured hmmm.. I wonder if that could work on Lewis? Turns out he has a soft spot for hazelnut-crunch!"

A GP Specialist photographer snapped this photo of the encounter before being kidnapped by McLaren stand-over men.

Flavio understands Ferrari's frustration.

Renault Formula 1 team boss Flavio Briatore has said he doesn't have a clue why McLaren didn't get any punishment after Thursday's World Motor Sport Council hearing.

Speaking from his bedside Briatore told Gazzetta dello Sport: "I don't understand what happened. Why isn't McLaren punished for having Ferrari documents? And why aren't they punished for stealing my driver? I was on the phone with Jean Todt.. A man who didn't steal my driver.. and he sounds very disappointed. I completely understand why he got angry with this verdict. I would be angry too if say.. A seal stole my woman!.. But is no woman.. Is a Spaniard.. What were we talking about again?

Yamamoto wins pissing contest

Sakon Yamamoto has won Honda's annual 'Piss your Cash' festival at Brackley this year - the winner awarded a Spyker drive for the end of the year.

"Obviously I am very happy!", exclaimed an exuberant Yamamoto. "After Honda's state-of-the-art urinal facility received a new housing upgrade I knew I was in with a shot!"

Yuji Ide was last year's recipient.

Ferrari boss puts shit in ape.

The FIA World Motor Sport Council has found that while McLaren were guilty of violating section 151C of the International Sporting Code, there was insufficient evidence to prove McLaren had benefited from leaked Ferrari data found at the home of their chief designer Mike Coughlan.

This has angered Ferrari Team Principle Jean Todt, who believed the result "violated the fundamental principle of sporting honesty".

The WMSC also moved that Todt may no longer refer to McLaren as "the Legion of Doom run by a balding Machiavellian industrialist" on the grounds it seemed too jingoistic.

Todt was forcibly removed from proceedings screaming "But you promised I could be Aquaman!.. You promised!!.. Next time Luther!.. Next time!!"

Ralph - "I'm as good as Katayama"

Struggling Toyota driver, Ralph Schumacher has substantially altered his proclamation earlier in the year that he is "one of the top three drivers" in the world at the moment.

Instead, Ralph has re-assessed his credentials and admitted he is at least as good as ex-Tyrell driver, Ukyo Katayama. Katayama was once referred to by Murray Walker as, "the best driver that Grand Prix racing has ever produced", after Murray accidentally licked an hallucinogenic toad - later discovered to be Jean Todt.

"Don't underestimate Katayama", warned Ralph. "He might have been teamed up with wild man Andrea de Cesaris, but he managed more spins and crashes than Andrea ever could".

5-Year old Attacks Mosley

During a school excursion to the Federation Internationale de la'Automobile, a five year old French girl stumped Max Mosley when the class was asked whether they had any questions for the FIA President.

Sucker-punching Max, the class teacher announced 5-year old 'Trudy' had a question about the "funny smell" in the bulding, only to unleash the following wringer:

"Mr Mosley..If McLaren can be held responsible for all persons concerned with their entry into the 2007 World Championship, why isn’t Ferrari also held accountable under the same provisions? If Stepney’s own conduct violates section 151c of the F1 Sporting Regulations (”..fraudulent conduct prejudicial to the interests of competition”), then surely Ferrari have a similar case to answer for – regardless whether their own employee was working to their own detriment or to the benefit of a competitor?".

"I wasn't expecting that", admitted an ashen-faced Mosley. "I was handing out free batches of Petit Miam when she accosted me!"

Montoya attacks magazine staff.

F1 Racing staff were startled to see ex-McLacren driver Juan Pablo Montoya in their office yesterday. An allegedly unshaven Montoya burst into F1 Racing's London office demanding an 'exclusive'.

"He just burst in screaming obscenities", explained magazine Editor Matt Bishop. "He just kept screaming 'Nothing will make me return to F1!', and when no-one responded he got more violent saying - 'I refuse to argue with you.. You see??.. This is me refusing to argue with you!.. I'm explosive don't you know??".

"This is the third time this month and frankly we're getting sick of it", proclaimed Bishop.

"It all happened so quickly!", said a shocked Peter Windsor - who could not shed any light on Montoya's outburst as he was "under his desk" during the tirade.

Medical experts believe Juan Pablo's behaviour may stem from from an interview a few years ago, during which a news camera operator nearly "broke Motoya's head".

Luizzi's need for Speed.

Antonio Luizzi has been quoted that he has an "intense desire for speed", but these recent photos of himself and fellow Torro Rosso driver Scott Speed have left Grand Prix insiders wondering. Clearly enjoying a secluded strole along Sylt - one of Germany's famous nude beaches - rumours are circulating that the duo are more than just team-mates.

According to sofeminine.co.uk, the couple have been on several dates, and were spotted together at a pre-race bash in Frankfurt; Speed wearing a bodice-hugging orange crepe number and Luizzi in classic black.

According to the site, Luizzi, is so smitten with Speed, that he recently organized a suprise birthday party for him last month.

One friend says, "It's the real thing - they have become very close. They are ready to let people know they are an item. They tried to act like they were not together at the party but couldn't stop staring at each other. They each share an intense amorousness for themselves - so have heaps in common."

Webbo salute's the minority.

Celebrating his podium finish at the the Nurburgring this weekend, Mark Webber shocked German onlookers with an unorthodox one-finger salute, but defended his actions in the interests of global harmony.

"I really wanted to give a big 'thumbs up' after all that hard work", explained Webber. "Then on the cool-down lap I remembered an Iraqi documentary about catfish milking and recalled that sticking your thumb out was not the done thing in some countries".

It's true that "thumbs up" traditionally translates as the foulest of Iraqi insults—the most straightforward interpretation is "Up yours, pal!" The sign has a similarly pejorative meaning in parts of West Africa, Russia, Australia, Iran, Greece, and Sardinia.

"Good thing I remembered in time", grinned Webber.

Unfortunately some Iranian ziggurat kids did not share Mark's enthusiasm.

"We're f****d.. Seriously."

Amidst growing concern from Australian viewers over the quality of Grand Prix telecasts, Channel Ten have sought to alter their GP hosting line-up of Greg Rust and Cameron McConville with cardboard cut-outs of Kimi Raikonnen and Mika Salo.

An anonymous Channel 10 canteen worker explained the decision. "At Ten we take critical and positive feedback from the weekend telecasts and found replacing McConville and Rust with these cut-outs will provide us with more in-depth analysis and be able to cut to telecasts more efficiently.. We tried everything, Even attaching colostomy bags over their mouths, but have been forced to make this radical adjustment".

Some of the viewer e-mails that have forced Channel Ten into this settlement have been;

"GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!"

"It's Sunday! We have to work!!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND START THE FREAKIN' RACE YOU TURDS!"

"It's listed as 11pm.. And I have to listen to 20 minutes of gibbering shit!"

Rust has not taken the news well and is said to have been seen rocking in the corner of the station's toilet cubicles. McConville on the other hand stated that he was "not aware he had even been doing the telecasts".

Piquet - "Jones was a pussy!"

After denouncing Nigel Mansell's intellectual ablities in Motorsport magazine a few months ago, 1981 World Champion Nelson Piquet has turned his poison pen to former rival Alan Jones.

"People always say Alan used to intimidate me.. What b******t!", insisted Piquet.

Nelson contends that much of Jone's so-called 'bravado' was just media hype.

"Remember the Grand Prix Masters World Series at Kyalami in November?", cited Piquet. "He said had to pull out before qualifying due to 'neck pains'. What a joke! I used to see him playing hop-scotch with his girlfriends Scheckter and Reutemann at Charlotte. What kind of man loses a shift fork anyway?..A baby-man.. That's what. My son could probably drive better than his.. Hang on.. He does!" laughed Nelson.

Alonso - No Nando's Deal.

Fernando Alonso has denied rumours he is close to signing a personal sponsorship deal with Portuguese-style flame grilled chicken restaurant chain - Nando's.

"My job is to fight hard for the team while satisfying my need for taste at the same time.", explaned Alonso.
"Everyone knows Ron (Dennis) will not allow peripheral sponsor deal for drivers. The fact that many a famous hungry rugby and football player has been spotted in Nando's due to the chicken's outstanding protein has nothing to do with me."

When asked about his chances for a third world title, Fernando was slightly more guarded.

"If you ask me which is more important: winning three titles with one team or with two different teams, then the answer is easy.. It can be achieved through the magical qualities of Nando's Peri-Peri, the life blood of Nando's. Or if you are very brave - extra hot Peri-Peri, allowing the natural flavour and fire to bring out the best in you."

Todt - "That was mine!"

Jean Todt has revealed that numerous quotations taken from the F2007 plans have found there way into McLaren's own 2007 design.

"Pronouns are the biggest giveaway" Todt disclosed to a private press gathering. "The word 'the' distinctly appears on page 3, 47, 85, 102, 477 and 654 of our document.. The same pages of McLaren's design!" Todt expounded. "Furthermore, we are currently looking into similarities with the word 'and'".

Coulthard could be dropped - Newey

David Coulthard could face redundancy from Red Bull Racing if he plans to go ahead with a radical new helmet design.

After receiving the news he will be contracted for another year with the Milton Keynes squad, Coulthard celebrated the news the only way he knows how. "Trulli and Reubens both painted their heroes on their helmets", explained a defiant Coulthard. "It was the only logical step to paint myself".

Adrian Newey, Technical Director at Red Bull was most concerned with the news.

"Our reservations centre around the jaw-line drag co-efficiency of David's design" Newey said. "Basically you can't fit a square peg in a round hole.. The box David's helmets have come in over the years have fit him better!".

Mark Webber has come out in support of his team-mate, claiming he can't see what the fuss is about.

Kubica in doubt.

BMW are concerned that Robert Kubica may be suffering from residual concusion from his high-speed Montreal impact. For the last week, Kubica has been reportedly insisting his engineers refer to him as 'Thor'.

"It's nothing to worry about", insisted Kubica. "It's not from the impact but an electronically charged bagel I ate the other day."

BMW are said to be linked to a Baker's Delight merger later in the year.

Ron - "Mosley can go **** himself!"

Ron Dennis has launched an attack on Max Mosley, telling the the FIA President to "go **** himself". When questioned for his reasons behind the tirade Ron was more circumspect.

"To be honest, Max and I haven't had a spat for a while", explained Dennis. "With Martin (Whitmarsh) slowly taking over the reigns at McLaren I've had more time on my hands so I thought. Hey! Why not?.. What?.. What do you mean I've actually been charged?"

FIA summons McLaren

Following an investigation by the the sport's governing body, the FIA wants McLaren to answer charges that they have breached Article 151C of the International Sporting Code.

"There's no actual Article", laughed FIA President Max Mosley. "We're just trying to wind up Ron.. But if Jean (Todt) can think of anything better then we'll run with that."

When questioned whether McLaren had breached regulations by obtaining information that could be used to built and test a 2007 Ferrari Formula One car Mosley responded: "Yes! Yes!! That's a good one! I like that! We'll use it! We can't have cars pertaining to be unique and being the contrary... What? What do you mean Super Aguri?"

"Bernie can go **** himself" - Hill

Responding to further warnings from Bernie Ecclestone over Silverstone's below-par facilities, BRDC President Damon Hill has hit out at Formula One's empresario saying that he can "go **** himself!"

When told Ron Dennis had already used the same aspersion in an attack against Max Mosley, Hill errupted. "That's not fair! Ron knows our position! The BRDC deperately needs this cheap shot. We've been scrounging in the dirt for a suitable insult for weeks! You know what? Tell Ron he can go **** himself.

Ron Dennis is reportedley taking Hill to court for copyright infringement.

Liuzzi summoned by FIA

Torro Rosso extrovert #2, Antonio Liuzzi has been summoned to appear before an extraordinary meeting with the World Motor Sport Council to explain his involvement relating to selling bumper stickers on eBay. "It is believed Antonio was selling the adhesives with his own image emblazened on them", an FIA representative explained. "It's not the phrase 'I Dig Sluts!' that worries us", they went on to add, "it's the unauthrorized use of the F1 handle that is a blantant copyright violation.

He's More Machine than Man.

Adrian Newey has confirmed he will do battle with BMW's supercomputer Albert 2 in a game of Tetris on the 4th of August this year. When asked about Newey's chances, BMW Team Principle Mario Theissen added: "If Adrian can find the testicular fortitude to climb into this ring I'm going to give him one shot... While you're thinking about it Adrian, I'll be over here... hanging with the Posse."

Man On A Mission.

When approached by GP Specialist whilst attempting to leave the factory at Enstone, Renault Team Principle Flavio Briatore would not be drawn on Giancarlo Fisichella's contract beyond 2008 or how Renault intends to reverse their current performance slump.

"Why don't you ask me how to fold soup?", was all Briatore could offer.

At the time we went to press, Flavio was reportedly on route to hospital to witness the birth of his new girlfriend.

Old Rockers Never Die

Former GP stalwarts Jacques Villeneuve, Damon Hill and Eddie Jordan are rumoured to be forming a Whitesnake cover band going under the working title 'Second Skin'. "With slow sales for Jacque's debut album and Eddie offering unwelcome advice in his column for F1 Racing, the timing couldn't be better!" gleamed a salivating Damon Hill. David Coverdale of Whitesnake was unavailable for comment.

No Moss Gathered

77-year-old Stirling Moss has reportedly gone underground, citing privacy fears as the reason for his self imposed exile. In a statement released to press, Moss states that he will not re-appear until people stop asking him for "****ing quotes on Lewis Hamilton! Why don't you ask me about the property market?? You've got Scheckter prattling on about ****ing pigs! I've got some great views about Mohnish Pabrai! Why don't you ****ing ask me about that???

Stepney Defence – ‘Magic Dust’ Theory.

Embattled former Ferrari engineer, Nigel Stepney insists that white powder discovered near parts of the F2007 were in actual fact ‘magic dust’ that had cross-pollinated from the successful Brawn-Schumacher-era. An Italian court heard that Stepney was investigating the transfer of pollen grains circa 2000 to 2004 into the Italian squad’s recent campaign.

Speaking to Gazzetta dello Sport, Stepney stated: “The study of pollination brings together many disciplines.. Some of them common to Formula One”, he said. “Where our communication broke down was at the receptive part of the carpel which is called stigma. And now I’ve been stigmatised! My Italian was never very good and look where it’s got me!”.

Stepney’s lawyer Sonia Bartolini was not available for comment.

Honda raids Ferrari for new technical chief

Honda has appointed Björn LoBurg to the role of deputy technical director, supporting senior technical director Shuhei Nakamoto. Björn joins Honda from Scuderia Ferrari where he previously held the position of lavatory attendant .

Shuhei Nakamoto, senior technical director of Honda commented: "I am very pleased with Björn’s appointment at Honda.. We have some very talented people at Honda but Formula One is a rapidly changing sport and we need to evolve in order to keep pace. With Jenson’s fondness of late night curries, I am sure that the difficulties we have seen in the first half of 2007 are now behind us."

Commenting on his new role, Björn said: "I am delighted to be joining Honda. They are a fantastic group of people. Hell! I used to dress up as a woman every day and perform unnatural acts with a proper weirdo. That was the worst job ever!! If I hadn’t got this job I’d get thrown straight back into prison . . . Besides Nick Fry’s a pretty good tipper.."

Albers considering legal action against self.

Christijan Albers who was told last week that he is no longer Spyker's Formula 1 race driver said he is now analyzing with a team of advisers whether or not to take legal action against himself. The Dutchman, who has recently been caught on camera leaving a number service-stations without paying was perplexed by the development.

"Obviously this has been a very unpleasant surprise," said Albers. "Racing wise things were getting better and better and to receive a writ in the mail from myself is devastating. I didn’t even know I practiced law.. Although I speak it fluently."

Even though today's news has been a major blow to Albers' prospects as a functioning member of society he is still positive about his racing career. "Do I still have a future in Formula 1? Of course, there is always a future and I would never give up. If Björn LoBurg can make it anyone can ."