Fisi Calender a Fizzer

The emergence of Giancarlo Fisichella in a lurid video has prompted a ban against the Roman making any more "beefcake" calendars.

"Future editions of the calender which hoped to raise more than $150,000 for Fisichella's Force India campaign.. have been banned", F1 supremo, Bernie Eccelstone told the German magazine Auto Motor und Sport.

Eccelstone acted after a "Fisi's Gone Wild" video emerged of Fisichella and Antonio Luizzi stripping naked before several enthusiastic women in 2004, The New York Daily News reported Saturday.

"It's ridiculous!", an unrepentant Fisichella explained. "You can get a hot dog from El Capitan’s or a scone from the coffee Lady, but everyone goes bezerk about a little arrosto italiano!"

Luizzi joined Formula 1 after the video was filmed and, therefore, will not face any discipline, Auto Motor und Sport reported.

Michael creams Banana Splits

Michael Schumacher has trounced children's TV star has-beens, the Banana Splits at Six Flags Raceway, Arlington, Texas yesterday.

Respoding from a challenge from tea-leader Fleagle, Schumacher flew to the U.S. to take part in the team challenge. Siding with rival club the Sour Grapes, Schumacher competed in a series of pie-contests, dancing in purple leotards and go-go boots and culminating in a dune-buggy race.

Bingo, Drooper and Snork shattered by the defeat claiming Schumacher was a "schurkachtig handelen pisang!"

Ferrari colostomy bag explodes!

Amidst a hearing to clarify the FIA's position on fuel temperatures, Ferrari's top brass have exploded in a tidal wave of self-righteous bullshit and misguided vitriol. Despite BMW Team Principal Mario Thiessen agreeing that "the case had thrown up uncertainties about the fuel temperature regulations that needed resolving before the start of next year", Ferrari were unrepentant in their parochial attack.

"A final and desperate attempt to change the result obtained on the track was rejected. Now, all our efforts are focused on preparing for next season. Conne! Conne! " Jean Todt

"Shameless hypocrites devoid of any integrity". Nigel Tozzi

"Shitbag, ignorant tool cock emo faggot fuckhead homo jerk prick pussy shit smacktard!" Ferrari President Luca di Montezmolo.

Williams counts the cost

Speaking about his two drivers for the upcoming season Frank Williams said: "I am delighted to confirm that Nico (Rosberg) will be partnered by Kazuki (Nakajima), who has impressed the team over the past year. He has plenty of talent and the right aptitude to develop into a competitive Formula One racer.. Why are you looking at me like that?? What the @#^% do you want me to do??.. Toyota have got my balls in a vice!! At least he won't take the shine off Nico!! Now leave me alone. I've got some money to count!"

Stipe urges Hamilton to play it both ways.

At his recent appearance at the the European MTV Music awards, Lewis Hamilton was seen deep in coversation with REM's Michael Stipe.

"It's been a great night! Peter Buck showed be some pointers on what to do with champagne and Michael gave me a lot of good advice on face-painting!" Beamed a star-struck Lewis. "He said now that I've mind-fucked my opposition on the track it was now time to gender-fuck them as well".

Transgenderism is the big new thing in Hollywood with stars like Cate Blanchett recently playing a circumsized musician in the recent film about Bob Dylan.

Asked if this was something he'd been contemplating, Hamilton was matter-of-fact.

Yeah. I kind of like gender-fucking. And I think sexuality is a really slippery thing. I think a lot of people agree with me.. F1 has had a long line of gender-fuckers from Didier Pironi to Jacques Villeneuve and I'd like to carry on that tradition".

Carry on Bernie..

New light has been shed on Bernie Eccelstone's relationship with Ferrari during the Schumacher years.

A new book by Nigel Stepney titled 'Bernie's Backyard"'claims Eccelstone and Schumacher were closer than people previously thought and that the two men shared a special kinship.

"Schumacher's Bennetton deal was done in a Turkish bathhouse.. Which is strange for Sheffield" claimed Stepney. "But I think the photo's I've collated tell the real story".

'Bernie's Backyard's' release pending a July court hearing.