One for the Mammary banks

Sebastian Vettel did what he had to do in the Brazilian Grand Prix and that was racing until the end. The German managed to overtake Lewis Hamilton with two laps to go with complete disregard to Hamilton’s championship aspirations.

I had no idea in what position we were racing," Vettel explained after the race. "I was totally focussed on Salma’s tits that I didn't watch my pit board once to be honest. It was incredibly slippery out there.. on track I mean and I needed every second to focus on her t.. the track.
"Hamilton ran a bit wide after Kubica overtook him and I could pass him quiet easily, but I didn't have a clue what Consequence it could have for Hamilton. I was just fully focussed on the tits!”

Hamilton in a Hoff

McLaren staff are concerned for Lewis Hamilton’s preparation for the Formula 1 title decider at Sao Paulo in just under a weeks time.

Mercedes Motrorsport head Norbert Haug believes that outside influences are hindering the young McLaren charges focus।

“It’s that bloody Baywatch audition!” cited Haug. Ever since he sent in that audition tape it’s been ‘Hasselhoff’’ this .. and ‘Brande’ that!.. He didn’t get the part but we haven’t had the heart to tell him.. He’s even been training in slow-motion!”

Bernie’s in Toyland

Draft plans for a Formula One circuit on the grounds of Disneyland Paris have been prepared, as the French racing federation considers options for the country's Grand Prix in 2010 and beyond.
F1 Chief Executive Bernie Ecclestone is desperate for his sport to move away from Magny Cours.

There are alternatives to Disneyland, which is about a half hour drive from the French capital, but it is reportedly Ecclestone's preferred venue।

The French language newspaper La Presse reports that Disneyland's owners Euro Disney, have devised plans for a temporary F1 track that extends 700 metres into the Enchanted Forest. Through the Mount Gushmore tunnel, and a 200 metre climb up Space Mountain.

Tram company denies claims of ending Webber's race

Operators of Singapore's Mass Rapid Transit (SMRT) system have refuted claims that a passing tram could have caused Mark Webber's retirement from the recent night grand prix there. Red Bull Racing officials said after the race that the Australian driver's broken gearbox could have been caused by the static electricity carried by a tram line beneath the track at turn 13.

But according to the news wire service AFP, SMRT refuted the claim.

"There is no MRT track beneath turn 13 as the tram was running late that day.. When were running to the Russian timetable that particular day."
Webber added that he "won’t be validating my #%^@ing metcard next time I’m in Melbourne I can tell you!".

Kubica: the new Paddock Kingpin

Robert Kubica is swapping his tracks skills for work on a different type of lane this week when he pursues his love of ten-pin bowling in a professional competition in Vienna.
"I always try to explain to the people who don't know bowling, as a lot of them say, 'I hear you are bowling.' and they see bowling like a party game - where you go drinking beer and have fun," said Kubica in a video interview on bowling digital.com।

"I try to explain to them that it is really, really technical and really difficult। You have to have a lot of knowledge, experience and precision. I used to bowl as a way of earning extra cash for my motorsport career॥ That.. And having to perform sexual favours for my hideous landlady - something that is similar to F1!.. Well, at Flavio’s anyway.

"Fernando, he plays also. I always say to him, 'come out and play.' But he doesn't want to because he is shit, so he doesn't like that I beat him...maybe one day we will have an F1 drivers' championship for bowling.. So if you think you’re good enough.. Come get some kutas!"

Williams could’ve had Hamilton

Williams could have signed Lewis Hamilton in 2004 but their former engine partners BMW passed up the opportunity, the Formula One team's co-founder Patrick Head said.

Head told reporters that Hamilton and his father Anthony had visited the team's factory that year after falling out with backers McLaren while the Briton was racing in Formula Three Euroseries.

"They rang up and said 'can we come and see you?'," he recalled. "And they came in and said '(McLaren boss) Ron Dennis has dropped us'.
"We were with BMW at the time and I think Frank (Williams) rang Jacque Villeneuve up to ask for his baggy overalls back.. That was fine until we noticed a shit-stain from Jerez ’97 still in the crotch.. Needless to say our relationship with the Hamilton’s didn’t get very far”.

Cyber-Sex Depression

It has been a well kept secret (until now) that a number of Force India team staff have been engaging in frequent rituals of cyber-sex whilst on the job।

“We worked out those mechanics having cyber sex had alarmingly high rates of depression, anxiety and stress and typically devote hours a day to the covert activity”, said Team Principal, Mike Gasgoyne।

The Force India shock sheds new light on the types of people who frequent online sex, fetish and swinging sites, revealing they are overwhelmingly male, well-educated, and aged anywhere from 18 to 80।

“Everyone except Flavio”, cited Gasgoyne.. “We get around 50 to 60 erotic e-mails from him each day.. It’s a bit hard to keep up actually! So we replaced our boring script with a massive dumb blonde script that takes up far less hard drive!”

“#%^@ you!!.. That’s my name!!”

Lewis Hamilton’s love of David Mamet films was brought up recently when questioned about Kimi Raikkonen’s braking ablility..

“Well, that's his driving, that's all.. That is how he drives” explained Hamilton. “If you don't have the balls to brake late then that’s his problem! You need brass balls in this business, so if you can’t close shit.. You ARE shit!.. Hit the bricks pal and beat it, coz’ you are goin’ out!!”
“I made 20 million last year in Reebok endorsements alone! How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get from Bernie? You don't like it, leave”.

Another Ferrari Leak?

The appearance of Ferrari's radical nose innovation confirmed that espionage could still be a factor at the Italian team।Alleged Ferrari spy Nigel Stepney no longer works for the Maranello based team, but the technical secret about the 'hole nose' nonetheless emerged in a torrent at Monza this week. Ferrari Team Principle, Stefano Domenicali described the deluge as “thick and coloured”.

In other news, Ferrari top brass are recently answering claims of racism towards English drivers.

Vettel, Heidfeld square off.

Sebastian Vettel and ex-BMW team mate Nick Heidfeld had a war of words over who was the dominant force in German music.
When asked the latest hackneyed question over what was on their I-Pod’s, the conversation got extremely heated:

Sebastian V: Any kind really, German folk songs are my favourite। Anything really, a bit of everything.
Nick H: No German folk music for me, more in the direction of R&B, hip-hop, not so much techno, more chill-out but various stuff।
SV: Why don't you like folk songs?
NH: Why do you like it, that's more difficult to answer, I think?
SV: I like the lyrics!
NH: I like the smile on the singers' faces, just like yours।
SV: Are you saying I have a ****-eating grin you hack?!

The two German were quickly separated by a fast-thinking Raikonnen॥
Kimi R: Haters hate when I’m winning, but I’ve been hot from the beginning!… I’ll fill your asses up with lead.. So don’t be pussies.. Or I’ll aim straight for your head!.. Word!

Webber: Senna was “A Pussy!”

Mark Webber has come under fire after labelling Senna as “a pussy”.
Webber made his comments whilst referring to the modifications made to Spa’s most treacherous corner – Eau Rouge।

"It is natural that guys will say, back in the day it was more dangerous, but actually what Senna and co drove, they were pussies compared to what Jack Brabham drove। The sport moves on. The real heroes were back in the 1960s and 1970s."

Mark later clarified his statement, saying that he would also win a fist-fight between Senna, himself and Eddie Irvine.Lewis Hamilton and James Allen are seeking legal advice.

Hamilton Caught in Bad Taste

Lewis Hamilton had some of his luggage stolen from his car as he checked out of a hotel in Spain earlier this week।

The McLaren driver was leaving the five-star Palacio hotel in Malaga where his girlfriend and Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger was singing at an MTV event, when thieves ran off with two bags from the boot of his car।

While it’s believed only an advanced copy of Emmanuel Lewis’s ‘My Story’ and Hamilton’s iPod were stolen, the McLaren ace is reportedly eager to recover the iPod as it contained incriminating evidence from last year’s spy scandal; including downloaded copies of Coldplay, Westlife, Extreme, Hootie and the Blowfish, New Edition and Counting Crows।

Raikkonen, Heidfeld disappoint team boss

Gerhard Berger, who at the beginning of the season tipped reigning champion Kimi Raikkonen to defend his title, has now changed his mind saying "Now I would put my bets on Lewis Hamilton”. The Austrian former grand prix winner, who co-owns the Toro Rosso team, spoke to Germany's Sport Bild magazine despite having no influence on Ferrari protocol॥

In other news, Hans-Joachim Stuck; a famous German driver who contested grands prix in the 70s and now heads up Volkswagen's racing division, claims that Nick Heidfeld should be replaced by Alonso next year।

New Zealand-born, Ulster Rugby Union player Isaac Boss, has also admitted to being “dissatisfied with Nelson’s Piquet’s progress at Renault”, whilst ‘Bruce The Boss’ Springsteen admitted he had “torn up his Torro Rosso head band” since Scott Speed had been sacked.
Hugo Boss is reportedly unhappy with the length of Heikki Kovalainen’s trousers.

Briatore in Sand Trap

Flavio Briatore’s holidays were put on temporary hold when the Renault Formula One boss attempted to power ashore aboard his luxury yacht.
The Italian newspaper La Stampa reports that the 58-year-old, his new wife and a celebrity entourage were pelted with water and sand by unhappy bathers when they tried to land on the crowded Capriccioli beach in Sardinia.But the manner in which they sped ashore enraged beachgoers and parents, while 'terrorised children wailed between the waves', La Stampa claimed.
“It was like a scene out of Caddyshack!”; A frightened mother of two exclaimed. Briatore reacted angrily to the abuse, threatening to play Earth, Wind and Fire’s Boogie Wonderland at 95 decibels from his Sardinia Mansion.
“Let’s see how they like that!” Briatore responded. “I pay my taxes! It’s my right! No respect I tell you!.. No respect!!”

Mosley Photographed with Moustached Freak!

Max Mosley has been photographed with a strange man sporting a “moustache” during his court hearing over the NOTW publications।

The man, Gustav Linoski, who is also Mosley’s lawyer was thrown out of court by Judge Peters on grounds of “looking like a right twat”, and said that he would also dismiss anyone else under similar circumstances।

“I would gladly throw anyone sporting a moustache on the grounds that it is a sure sign that a person thinks himself a bit of a character, and is therefore unreliable.. How can he be expressing any kind of view other than puberty? How does he expect to win me over?”

Who Can you Trust?

David Coulthard has ended speculation about his future next year by stating he will fulfil a key role in the development of Red Bull’s KERS (kinetic energy recovery system), but he admits after recent developments – he’s not taking any chances।

"Part of my role for next year will be to assist with the development of Red Bull's KERS system. I'll be wearing a full rubber body suit to make sure that I'm safe... Formula One driving suits will become like fireproof condoms!. After what happened to Mosley I’m not taking any chances.. I mean if you can’t trust a prostitute anymore, who can you trust?”

Kubica’s leading status a sure thing

Robert Kubica has taken his “un-official” leading man status at BMW to new heights by swapping roles with John Cusack for this weekends Hungarian Grand Prix.

Insiders believe Robert’s dalliance with the Say Anything actor has arisen from comments made by itv hack James Allen after the Canadian Grand Prix when Allen was overheard saying that Kubica was “no Brad Pitt!”

Cusack is considered to be an all-rounde; capable of singing, dancing, and acting at a professional level, but never outshining his female co-star and Robert believes the swap should hold no unforseen dramas। “I have flattered my team-mate Nick Heidfeld in the last two races this season, and he can’t even get through the garage without even knocking over the furniture!”

McLaren drop anvil on Newey

McLaren's bid to keep up the aggressive development of their MP4-23 continued on Tuesday when they ran an anvil wing engine cover for the first time at the Hockenheim test

The use of the engine cover follows the trend begun by designer Adrian Newey at Red Bull Racing and since copied by Renault and Force India. McLaren F1 CEO Martin Whitmarsh believes copying the design is providing excellent value for money.

“It’s ****ing awesome!” explained Whitmarsh. “Not only don’t we have to pay for the designs, but we’re getting money back off Adrian after that 11th hour deal in ’04 that really screwed our budget. If you’re reading this Adrian.. screw unto others as they screw unto you!”

Newey is reportedly consulting the ACME users guide for ‘Advanced Revenge Techniques’ before making any statement.

Webber takes a punt

On Friday, punters could place a bet on Heikki Kovolainen securing his F1 breakthrough at 23 to 1 - and Red Bull racer Webber fancied a piece of the action."I've put 200 quid on Heikki at 23 to 1, so I'm in good shape," he smiled in the Silverstone media centre. “Anyone else who wants a piece can come to me”.
Webber, who qualified second to the Finn was circumspect when quizzed if he was involved in ‘match fixing’.“Let’s just say I’ll be pitting on lap 3” he grinned.Pole sitter Kovalainen said he has not placed a similar bet. "I don't do betting. I try to earn my money in a safer way.. Pimping out whores!”

Button and Hamilton size up

In a lively press conference ahead of their home race, the McLaren and Honda drivers got involved in an entertaining exchange that resulted in Hamilton eventually accepting the challenge after regular cock-fight runner Button offered to give money to charity if he lost.
“What if I say £10,000 to the charity of your choice if you beat me? What do you think?” Jenson asked.
“Are you trying to steer me off this championship or what?” Lewis replied.
Button then countered: “It’s the only thing I can be competitive in at the moment. Think about it.”
Then asking further pressing on whether the event would take place by the assembled reporters, Hamilton eventually agreed: “The biggest incentive is, if I do beat you, then you’ve got some money for a charity which is great. However, you do have an advantage as you’ve already done one, and I already know that by doing one you’re better the next time. But man, I’m up for it, I’m up for it.
He then added: “OK, let’s do it. It’s a date.”
The third British driver in the press conference, David Coulthard had already ruled himself out of going up against his two younger compatriots, with the Scot, heading for retirement at the end of the season, saying at 37 he “was too old”.
He did however offer to be “chief arbiter at the weigh-in.

Bourdais Sees Red

A promotional stunt for Red Bull in Pamplona yesterday has left two Australians injured।

Sebastian Bourdais seriously gored two Australian brothers, catching one on each of the Torro Rosso’s winglets during a Red Bull festival in Pamplona, but both were recovering Friday in the hospital

Lenahan was gored in the buttocks, while Michael, 23, of Carrara, was injured in his leg and was recovering favorably from surgery at the same hospital.
Promoters intended to keep Bourdais running at 20k/ph, but disintegrated shortly after Lenahan (a Will Power supporter) called Bourdais a “whinging f****t!”

"I remember looking back and thinking I was in trouble," Lenahan said।

"I think my brother and I overestimated Bourdais’ sense of humour

Creepy Old Man evicted from BMW pits

As a recent guest of BMW at the Canadian Grand Prix, pop icon Cliff Richard managed to slip past security and into Robert Kubica’s change room. Unaware who Cliff Richard was, a surprised Robert was left dumbfounded;
“Do you see someone you know?”, Cliff asked.
With a furled brow Robert said, “No”.
“Oh, now I remember. It was in a dream” Cliff answered.. “You were sitting over there at that table, except in the dream you were girl with black hair.. You don't wanna hurt yourself driving.. Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings.”
“Piss off, you perverted old douche bag!” Robert was heard screaming.

Renault Counts the Cost

A recent Renault survey conducted in May, comprised of responses from employees representing a variety of sources including their race team, test team and factory based representatives. 60% of employees divulged that they had stolen from their employer; some justifying the thefts as “justified for lack of compensation for overtime”

Flavio Briatore dismissed the thievery as “petty”, but failed to acknowledge that missing post-its, paper clips and rubber bands only accounted for 28% of stolen items। One enterprising employee decided to rescue an unused J-Damper that had been sitting on an empty desk for over a year, while a number of ‘O’ Rings have turned up on eBay posing as a titanium backgammon set।

Flavio did admit however, that the biggest thing people take from their office is time. “We all spend time each day making personal calls, emailing, IMing and surfing the net for strawberry-flavoured G-Strings.. I think that loss of productivity is a much more substantial economic loss than office supplies".

Quick Nick gets “nicked”

A still inconsolable Nick Heidfeld faced the German press last Tuesday over what he feels was a “travesty of justice” after being asked to move over for Robert Kubica in Canada last weekend. BMW top brass however were quick to point out the parity of the situation.
"You gotta swallow this one," whispered Wili Ramf into Heidfeld’s ear। “You’ve gotta admit, he stole it fair and square॥ Just like you did in Monaco 2005."

“You can jam your parity all the way up your ass!” Heidfeld was heard yelling after the press conference. “I haven’t felt this bad since ‘Juno’ won best screenplay!”

Lewis’s Walk in the Park.

In a sad re-enactment of Anthony Hamilton’s crash into a children’s playground but a week ago, son Lewis plowed his McLaren MP-23 into a Somerset pre-school at 3 a.m. this morning.

ITV commentator and F1 expert, James Allen likened the incident to that of Ayrton Senna’s fatal accident at Imola in 1994.

“It’s horrible.. It happened at three a.m., which is inversely proportional to the time Senna died at 3pm!” exclaimed Allen. “There are a lot of grief stricken children today, which of course is also inversely proportional to the grief experienced by Brazilians after Senna’s passing”.

Anthony Hamilton is said to be planning his check-mate sometime this week.

Piquet’s Bum Steer

Nelson Piquet is reportedly living in squalor in a move to motivate his on-track performances.
In a move to remove all distractions, Flavio Briatore has removed all creature comforts from Piquet’s life to help him focus on his racing, but GPDA director Mark Webber was angered by the move।

“The main clinical conditions leading to these sort of living conditions is either dementia, schizophrenia or alcoholism and we believe that a lot of the drivers have changes in their frontal lobes of their brains। No wonder Nelson’s struggling," Webber said.

Webber says more resources are needed to help drivers living in extreme squalor।

"When they have such severe problems with their thinking processes and are unable to work out what to do for themselves, yes, we believe that the GPDA should intervene," he said.

Who’s pulling Hamilton’s Strings

Lewis Hamilton admitted he regrets taking part in a pre-Turkish Grand Prix publicity stunt for McLaren title sponsor Vodafone, which brought on media mockery in the UK।

Hamilton was hoisted on to stage on high wires, portraying the Greek god Apollo, during a promotional event at the Istanbul set of 'Fires of Anatolia', a show depicting the battle of Troy।

"I thought 'that really was not cool.. Now I've seen the footage and it's one of the worst things I've ever seen” cited Hamilton. “At the end of the day I have a cool image, and things like that don't help… I’m a cool dude and cool dudes don’t hang from strings looking like Muppets.. Except Dr Teeth maybe.. Come to think of it, he was pretty cool.. Get Jim Henson on the phone.. I wanna guest spot!.. Whaddaya mean he won’t answer his phone???!!"

Sutil: Pawn in a game of Porn

Force India driver Adrian Sutil said on Friday police had foiled an attempt to blackmail him after last month's Spanish Grand Prix।

"When I came back from Barcelona there was a guy who had the hard disk of my old computer because my father had thrown It out ..," the young German told Reuters at the Turkish Grand Prix।

"Somebody took this hard disk out of the computer, recognised me and he wanted to have a little benefit out of it," added the 25-year-old।

Sutil said there was nothing on the hard drive that would have embarrassed him if made public, other than "all my personal details, Oh.. and some pics I downloaded from the “News of the World Website”

Lewis’ career in pop a ‘Daft’ idea

Lewis Hamilton has joined ex-F1 driver Jacques Villeneuve in a quest for pop stardom, but may face opposition when his new single “Harder, Better, Faster, Longer” hits shelves next week.
The single’s title bears a striking resemblance to Daft’s Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger”, but Hamilton denies any plaigarism, labelling any comparisons as “daft” during the launch of his single at ‘Hype’ Nightclub this week.

Daft Punk are said to be consulting lawyers regarding the track, and will be considering litigation concerning image copyright infringement.

Kimi Cops a Mouthfull

Kimi Raikonnen’s affirmation that it’s “better in the mouth than in the eye”,after copping a faceload of champaign from Heikki Kovolainen in Malaysia, has drawn opposition from leading members of the international porn community.
International spokesman, Ron Jeremy was particularly vocal, saying Raikonnen “had no business casting methodological dispersions on an industry he has no qualififications in – regardless of his patronage”.
FIA President, Max Mosley has supported Jeremy’s comments, saying he should put himself in Ron’s shoes before making unqualified statements”.

Give Kimi A Chance

Robert Kubica was spotted in the Sepang paddock espousing the virues of peace in an attempt to enlist fellow drivers into his “Free Kimi” campaign.
I’m basically attempting to showcase the mainstream media's relentless hostility to Kimi’s monosyllabia." Robert said. “ Perhaps the more conservative elements of itv can’t understand our euro-compendiary… Well if you’re reading this James Allen. You can suck my bigos!”

Max knows Nussing!

British dishrag, the News of the World reported in a front page story that FIA president Mosley, 67, had taken part in a 'sadomasochistic orgy' with five prostitutes that was alleged to involve Nazi role-playing। F! supremo Bernie Ecclestone wasn’t convinced however.

"I don't honestly believe [it] affects the sport in any way”, cited Ecclestone. “Knowing Max it might be all a bit of a joke. You know, it's one of those things where he's sort of taking the piss, rather than anything against Jewish people… By the way, do you know why the chicken crossed the road?.. Seriously I have no idea! Tell me! I vant to know ze joke!!.. Zat’s not funny!!!!”

Ecclestone – Force of Nature

Organisers of the Bahrain Grand Prix, revealed on Sunday that Formula One Management has ordered the promoters to arrange for McLaren to be housed next to Force India, the local newspaper Gulf Daily News said.

Whilst Bernie Ecclestone agreed to spare McLaren the indignity of also having the farthest pit slots, his reneging on the deal has compelled the Bahrain group to issue a statement of force majeure; a common clause in contracts which essentially frees both parties from liability or obligation when an extraordinary event or circumstance beyond the control of the parties, such as war, strike, riot, crime or an act of nature.

Eccleston’s morphological development now renders him eligible to nudge pestilence from the “big three” natural disasters - although will face a tough stand-off with neoliberalism if he’s to get his way.

“Outrage” over Nico pics

Paddock rumours have suggested that Frank Williams has helped financed his 2008 season by selling pictures of Nico Rosberg to various ‘men’s magazines’. These seemingly harmless pics were bought by Australian magazine ‘Outrage’.

Outrage Editor, Kevin Fox cited: “We weren’t happy with the original launch shots so we sent them back with some specific instructions.. The one’s they came back with were fabulous!!”

Massa(ged) Ego

A Ferrari spokesman has finally confirmed that Felipe Massa's Sepang spin was caused fundamentally by driver error.

Massa initially denied such rumours; citing that the spin was caused when the car “stalled aerodynamically after experiencing some apex turbulence”.
Ron Dennis was unfortunately not available to translate the techo-jargon to GP Specialist at the time, but Ferrari top brass are re-drafting their original statement that the spin was not “caused by a Ferrari defect” as Massa only answers to Felipe or sometimes Tonto

Ralf - "You've just been Punk'd!"

Ralf Schumacher has confessed that he made up claims that he would definitely remain in Formula One in 2008.

The German, who has just announced that he is switching to the DTM, repeatedly told the media at the end of last year that he was adamant he would stay in F1. But despite testing for Force India at the end of the season, Schumacher never had any options to race - and has revealed that he made up the claims about his future.

"I did make those comments, and I stand by them. It could still happen. Just like my seven world titles. Dreams can come true.. You know you've got to have'em.. You know you've got to be strong."

Schumacher also indicated that he may attend some grands prix in the future.

"If I come to the formula one paddock, I will certainly eat my supper in the Mercedes motor home," he vowed walking out the door in a Batman outfit.

Ecclestone defends bender Kimi

Bernie Ecclestone has defended reigning world champion Kimi Raikkonen's reputation as a fast Ferrari racer who likes a drink.

"Every time I've been out to dinner with him," the F1 Chief Executive told the Mirror, "he has been as good as gold. And he's even better when he's pissed! We had a great time sleazing onto women and stealing cars. There's nothing wrong with that.. By the way, if you're reading this Jean, you can find your 575 in the Arno river.. I think the keys are still in it".

Kolles puts Fisi in a spin.

Force India have ended their test in Barcelona on the right footing heading into Maelbourne, according to technical chief Mike Gascoyne.

"A reasonable end to the test, although we did have slightly more problems than on the other two days," said Gascoyne. "Our main aim was to do a full race distance with both cars, which we managed to achieve in the end despite the red flags and Fisi having to be snapped out of a trance after being rendered catatonic by former Midland boss Colin Kolles... That ruski's got a real nerve turning up! He even freeloads off the catering department, it takes us hours to ship in what he offloads!"

Bernie goes bananas!

Bernie Ecclestone has again threatened Australian Grand Prix organisers that if they cannot meet his licence fees and hold a night event for Europeans too lazy to get out of bed on the weekend, he will be forced to sell the event to a politically unstable backwater run by publicity seeking autocrats.

“I’ve been in negotiations with “The Octopus” Group in Hondurus”, beamed a delighted Ecclestone. “They’ve assured me if the fees are not met they can more than adequately remunerate the emolument in bananas”.. “They also assure me spectator areas will seat no more than 10 and will only be filled by the ruling clique”.

“There’s nothing worse than dealing with the unwashed masses”, he said.

Banana trading company, Cuyamel Fruit, is also rumoured to be behind the deal

"Spain not responsible" - Richards

Britain's Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton was the target of racist insults over the weekend while undergoing tests with his McLaren-Mercedes team at Montmelo near Barcelona, the Spanish press reported on Sunday.

Catalan daily El Periodico reported it was a group of Fernando Alonso supporters who were making the chants, but some quarters reported that Michael Richards, the ex-Seinfeld actor was the one behind the upheaval.

"Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f--king fork up your arse." Richards was heard to utter.

"He paced across the stage taunting Hamilton each time he left the pit" claimed a Spanish onlooker. "So we heckled back: "That was uncalled for, you f--king cracker-ass motherf--ker."

Richards retorted: "Cracker-ass? You calling me cracker-ass, puta?"

Richards was escorted from the circuit without further incident.

Klien Summoned for Military Service

After missing out on the vacant Force India race cockpit for 2008, Christian Klien has been summoned by the Austrian army to do six months of mandatory military service this year.

The 24-year-old was on Thursday ordered to report for duty at Vorarlberg, the western province that houses his home town Hohenems. His hair was cut, his back was straightened and the surly curl to his lip was replaced by a bright eye and a strong chin.

After basic training in Texas, he will be sent to work as a Jeep driver in Freiburg, West Germany, far from the nearest recording studio or movie lot. Klien's's manager, the old carny who called himself Colonel Tom Parker, wangled a two-month draft deferment so Klien could finish filming 'King Creole' for Hal Wallis and Paramount Pictures.

Trulli dissappeares up own balaclava.

At the launch of Toyota's TF108, Jarno Trulli had to be cut, not from the vehicle but his own balaclava which he had put on back to front.

"Many press thought they'd mixed us up with the recent Tutankhamen exhibition", team principal Tadashi Yamashina said. "I've got kid's to feed! This is an absolute disaster."

"I wish he'd never been born" - Coulthard

Ahead of the 2008 season, veteran Scot, David Coulthard has glanced over his shoulder at what life would have been like if the Schumachers had used a Jiffy condom.

DC: "Michael was such a large part of my career and trying to beat him was obviously very difficult. To reminisce of my best championship year, I finished second, and I finished second to him. So if he had just never been born then maybe it could have been different!"