Nelson's Moving Violations

Nelson Piquet sr. took his first driving lesson again on Monday in Brazil after he lost his driving license for getting too many parking tickets and speeding tickets. The three-time champion will now have to take courses again to get back his driving license.

"I think we have to pay for our mistakes," Piquet told GP Specialist. "It's not even just a speeding problem. I got tickets for all kinds of reasons; for things like parking where I shouldn't, side-swiping ice-cream vans, running over Alan Jones, tail-gating learner drivers, driving whilst receiving a head-job, cooking Paçoca with a cigarrette-lighter rotisserie, running over Nigel Mansell.. Reversing over Nigel Mansell.. You know. All sorts of things."

FIA sends spy case to court of appeal

Ferrari will get the chance to tell their version of the spying affair after FIA president Max Mosley decided to send the case to the Court of Appeal. Mosley's decision comes after a letter from Italy's automobile federation president Luigi Macaluso. Macuso's letter ran..

"We respectfully suggest that you, in your capacity as President of the FIA, in accordance with the powers granted to you by clause 23 paragraph 1 of the FIA Statutes and article 1 of the CIA rules, to seriously f**k up McLaren's s**t and hand us the World Championship!

As you know, Italy has a proud history of match-fixing and we ask the FIA to repect this in accordance with the rules applicable in front of the International Court of Appeal."

Yours 'respectfully',

The President of ACI - CSAI
Luigi Macaluso

"I was set up!" - Stepney

Italian and British media have mentioned a mysterious white powder that was allegedly found in the petrol tanks of the Ferrari race cars six days before this year's Monaco Grand Prix.

Ferrari have not commented on the matter but Stepney said he had been set up.

"They put the powder in my trouser pocket while I was taking a shower," Stepney said without stating who he meant by "they", though some insiders believe he may be referring to the Wes Craven film 'They', in which people go insane when becoming obsessed with the seemingly innocent pronoun.

Red Bull test 'concept' car.

Red Bull have just tested a computer simulated design that they hope will give them a head start on their rivals in the future.

"It will certainly save us a lot of funds and man hours" explained team principle Christian Horner. "..Well.. That's what we're hoping. Our designer Adrian's got a bit of a.. 'Tron' fetish.. He assures us.. Well me anyway.. That it's not getting in the way of his work, but.."

Chief Designer Adrian Newey defended his his vision: "This design might be radical in it's approach but I think you'll find - and I hope some smart person from Disney is reading this... If ever there was a movie crying out to be re-released into movie-theaters, it's 'Tron'. If it were released into theaters today it would be a smash hit, 'cause the movie-audiences of today would understand it a heckuva lot better than the movie-audiences of 1982.. Steve Lisberger was a genius! I love 'Tron'.. 'Tron' IS life".

Brundle/Hamilton caught in secret tryst.

With a verbal embargo hanging over Ron Dennis' prodigy Lewis Hamilton, the press have been forced to use subterfuge to gain interviews with the youngster. One journalist who claims to have actually achieved an 'exclusive' with Hamilton is Martin Brundle.

"It was a lengthy process", explained Martin. "The timing had to be just right.. And the colours. I'd been watching 'E.T. The Extraterrestrial' and saw how Elliot lured E.T. to his room with a packet of M&M's. I figured hmmm.. I wonder if that could work on Lewis? Turns out he has a soft spot for hazelnut-crunch!"

A GP Specialist photographer snapped this photo of the encounter before being kidnapped by McLaren stand-over men.

Flavio understands Ferrari's frustration.

Renault Formula 1 team boss Flavio Briatore has said he doesn't have a clue why McLaren didn't get any punishment after Thursday's World Motor Sport Council hearing.

Speaking from his bedside Briatore told Gazzetta dello Sport: "I don't understand what happened. Why isn't McLaren punished for having Ferrari documents? And why aren't they punished for stealing my driver? I was on the phone with Jean Todt.. A man who didn't steal my driver.. and he sounds very disappointed. I completely understand why he got angry with this verdict. I would be angry too if say.. A seal stole my woman!.. But is no woman.. Is a Spaniard.. What were we talking about again?

Yamamoto wins pissing contest

Sakon Yamamoto has won Honda's annual 'Piss your Cash' festival at Brackley this year - the winner awarded a Spyker drive for the end of the year.

"Obviously I am very happy!", exclaimed an exuberant Yamamoto. "After Honda's state-of-the-art urinal facility received a new housing upgrade I knew I was in with a shot!"

Yuji Ide was last year's recipient.

Ferrari boss puts shit in ape.

The FIA World Motor Sport Council has found that while McLaren were guilty of violating section 151C of the International Sporting Code, there was insufficient evidence to prove McLaren had benefited from leaked Ferrari data found at the home of their chief designer Mike Coughlan.

This has angered Ferrari Team Principle Jean Todt, who believed the result "violated the fundamental principle of sporting honesty".

The WMSC also moved that Todt may no longer refer to McLaren as "the Legion of Doom run by a balding Machiavellian industrialist" on the grounds it seemed too jingoistic.

Todt was forcibly removed from proceedings screaming "But you promised I could be Aquaman!.. You promised!!.. Next time Luther!.. Next time!!"

Ralph - "I'm as good as Katayama"

Struggling Toyota driver, Ralph Schumacher has substantially altered his proclamation earlier in the year that he is "one of the top three drivers" in the world at the moment.

Instead, Ralph has re-assessed his credentials and admitted he is at least as good as ex-Tyrell driver, Ukyo Katayama. Katayama was once referred to by Murray Walker as, "the best driver that Grand Prix racing has ever produced", after Murray accidentally licked an hallucinogenic toad - later discovered to be Jean Todt.

"Don't underestimate Katayama", warned Ralph. "He might have been teamed up with wild man Andrea de Cesaris, but he managed more spins and crashes than Andrea ever could".

5-Year old Attacks Mosley

During a school excursion to the Federation Internationale de la'Automobile, a five year old French girl stumped Max Mosley when the class was asked whether they had any questions for the FIA President.

Sucker-punching Max, the class teacher announced 5-year old 'Trudy' had a question about the "funny smell" in the bulding, only to unleash the following wringer:

"Mr Mosley..If McLaren can be held responsible for all persons concerned with their entry into the 2007 World Championship, why isn’t Ferrari also held accountable under the same provisions? If Stepney’s own conduct violates section 151c of the F1 Sporting Regulations (”..fraudulent conduct prejudicial to the interests of competition”), then surely Ferrari have a similar case to answer for – regardless whether their own employee was working to their own detriment or to the benefit of a competitor?".

"I wasn't expecting that", admitted an ashen-faced Mosley. "I was handing out free batches of Petit Miam when she accosted me!"

Montoya attacks magazine staff.

F1 Racing staff were startled to see ex-McLacren driver Juan Pablo Montoya in their office yesterday. An allegedly unshaven Montoya burst into F1 Racing's London office demanding an 'exclusive'.

"He just burst in screaming obscenities", explained magazine Editor Matt Bishop. "He just kept screaming 'Nothing will make me return to F1!', and when no-one responded he got more violent saying - 'I refuse to argue with you.. You see??.. This is me refusing to argue with you!.. I'm explosive don't you know??".

"This is the third time this month and frankly we're getting sick of it", proclaimed Bishop.

"It all happened so quickly!", said a shocked Peter Windsor - who could not shed any light on Montoya's outburst as he was "under his desk" during the tirade.

Medical experts believe Juan Pablo's behaviour may stem from from an interview a few years ago, during which a news camera operator nearly "broke Motoya's head".

Luizzi's need for Speed.

Antonio Luizzi has been quoted that he has an "intense desire for speed", but these recent photos of himself and fellow Torro Rosso driver Scott Speed have left Grand Prix insiders wondering. Clearly enjoying a secluded strole along Sylt - one of Germany's famous nude beaches - rumours are circulating that the duo are more than just team-mates.

According to sofeminine.co.uk, the couple have been on several dates, and were spotted together at a pre-race bash in Frankfurt; Speed wearing a bodice-hugging orange crepe number and Luizzi in classic black.

According to the site, Luizzi, is so smitten with Speed, that he recently organized a suprise birthday party for him last month.

One friend says, "It's the real thing - they have become very close. They are ready to let people know they are an item. They tried to act like they were not together at the party but couldn't stop staring at each other. They each share an intense amorousness for themselves - so have heaps in common."

Webbo salute's the minority.

Celebrating his podium finish at the the Nurburgring this weekend, Mark Webber shocked German onlookers with an unorthodox one-finger salute, but defended his actions in the interests of global harmony.

"I really wanted to give a big 'thumbs up' after all that hard work", explained Webber. "Then on the cool-down lap I remembered an Iraqi documentary about catfish milking and recalled that sticking your thumb out was not the done thing in some countries".

It's true that "thumbs up" traditionally translates as the foulest of Iraqi insults—the most straightforward interpretation is "Up yours, pal!" The sign has a similarly pejorative meaning in parts of West Africa, Russia, Australia, Iran, Greece, and Sardinia.

"Good thing I remembered in time", grinned Webber.

Unfortunately some Iranian ziggurat kids did not share Mark's enthusiasm.

"We're f****d.. Seriously."

Amidst growing concern from Australian viewers over the quality of Grand Prix telecasts, Channel Ten have sought to alter their GP hosting line-up of Greg Rust and Cameron McConville with cardboard cut-outs of Kimi Raikonnen and Mika Salo.

An anonymous Channel 10 canteen worker explained the decision. "At Ten we take critical and positive feedback from the weekend telecasts and found replacing McConville and Rust with these cut-outs will provide us with more in-depth analysis and be able to cut to telecasts more efficiently.. We tried everything, Even attaching colostomy bags over their mouths, but have been forced to make this radical adjustment".

Some of the viewer e-mails that have forced Channel Ten into this settlement have been;

"GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!"

"It's Sunday! We have to work!!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND START THE FREAKIN' RACE YOU TURDS!"

"It's listed as 11pm.. And I have to listen to 20 minutes of gibbering shit!"

Rust has not taken the news well and is said to have been seen rocking in the corner of the station's toilet cubicles. McConville on the other hand stated that he was "not aware he had even been doing the telecasts".

Piquet - "Jones was a pussy!"

After denouncing Nigel Mansell's intellectual ablities in Motorsport magazine a few months ago, 1981 World Champion Nelson Piquet has turned his poison pen to former rival Alan Jones.

"People always say Alan used to intimidate me.. What b******t!", insisted Piquet.

Nelson contends that much of Jone's so-called 'bravado' was just media hype.

"Remember the Grand Prix Masters World Series at Kyalami in November?", cited Piquet. "He said had to pull out before qualifying due to 'neck pains'. What a joke! I used to see him playing hop-scotch with his girlfriends Scheckter and Reutemann at Charlotte. What kind of man loses a shift fork anyway?..A baby-man.. That's what. My son could probably drive better than his.. Hang on.. He does!" laughed Nelson.

Alonso - No Nando's Deal.

Fernando Alonso has denied rumours he is close to signing a personal sponsorship deal with Portuguese-style flame grilled chicken restaurant chain - Nando's.

"My job is to fight hard for the team while satisfying my need for taste at the same time.", explaned Alonso.
"Everyone knows Ron (Dennis) will not allow peripheral sponsor deal for drivers. The fact that many a famous hungry rugby and football player has been spotted in Nando's due to the chicken's outstanding protein has nothing to do with me."

When asked about his chances for a third world title, Fernando was slightly more guarded.

"If you ask me which is more important: winning three titles with one team or with two different teams, then the answer is easy.. It can be achieved through the magical qualities of Nando's Peri-Peri, the life blood of Nando's. Or if you are very brave - extra hot Peri-Peri, allowing the natural flavour and fire to bring out the best in you."

Todt - "That was mine!"

Jean Todt has revealed that numerous quotations taken from the F2007 plans have found there way into McLaren's own 2007 design.

"Pronouns are the biggest giveaway" Todt disclosed to a private press gathering. "The word 'the' distinctly appears on page 3, 47, 85, 102, 477 and 654 of our document.. The same pages of McLaren's design!" Todt expounded. "Furthermore, we are currently looking into similarities with the word 'and'".

Coulthard could be dropped - Newey

David Coulthard could face redundancy from Red Bull Racing if he plans to go ahead with a radical new helmet design.

After receiving the news he will be contracted for another year with the Milton Keynes squad, Coulthard celebrated the news the only way he knows how. "Trulli and Reubens both painted their heroes on their helmets", explained a defiant Coulthard. "It was the only logical step to paint myself".

Adrian Newey, Technical Director at Red Bull was most concerned with the news.

"Our reservations centre around the jaw-line drag co-efficiency of David's design" Newey said. "Basically you can't fit a square peg in a round hole.. The box David's helmets have come in over the years have fit him better!".

Mark Webber has come out in support of his team-mate, claiming he can't see what the fuss is about.

Kubica in doubt.

BMW are concerned that Robert Kubica may be suffering from residual concusion from his high-speed Montreal impact. For the last week, Kubica has been reportedly insisting his engineers refer to him as 'Thor'.

"It's nothing to worry about", insisted Kubica. "It's not from the impact but an electronically charged bagel I ate the other day."

BMW are said to be linked to a Baker's Delight merger later in the year.

Ron - "Mosley can go **** himself!"

Ron Dennis has launched an attack on Max Mosley, telling the the FIA President to "go **** himself". When questioned for his reasons behind the tirade Ron was more circumspect.

"To be honest, Max and I haven't had a spat for a while", explained Dennis. "With Martin (Whitmarsh) slowly taking over the reigns at McLaren I've had more time on my hands so I thought. Hey! Why not?.. What?.. What do you mean I've actually been charged?"

FIA summons McLaren

Following an investigation by the the sport's governing body, the FIA wants McLaren to answer charges that they have breached Article 151C of the International Sporting Code.

"There's no actual Article", laughed FIA President Max Mosley. "We're just trying to wind up Ron.. But if Jean (Todt) can think of anything better then we'll run with that."

When questioned whether McLaren had breached regulations by obtaining information that could be used to built and test a 2007 Ferrari Formula One car Mosley responded: "Yes! Yes!! That's a good one! I like that! We'll use it! We can't have cars pertaining to be unique and being the contrary... What? What do you mean Super Aguri?"

"Bernie can go **** himself" - Hill

Responding to further warnings from Bernie Ecclestone over Silverstone's below-par facilities, BRDC President Damon Hill has hit out at Formula One's empresario saying that he can "go **** himself!"

When told Ron Dennis had already used the same aspersion in an attack against Max Mosley, Hill errupted. "That's not fair! Ron knows our position! The BRDC deperately needs this cheap shot. We've been scrounging in the dirt for a suitable insult for weeks! You know what? Tell Ron he can go **** himself.

Ron Dennis is reportedley taking Hill to court for copyright infringement.

Liuzzi summoned by FIA

Torro Rosso extrovert #2, Antonio Liuzzi has been summoned to appear before an extraordinary meeting with the World Motor Sport Council to explain his involvement relating to selling bumper stickers on eBay. "It is believed Antonio was selling the adhesives with his own image emblazened on them", an FIA representative explained. "It's not the phrase 'I Dig Sluts!' that worries us", they went on to add, "it's the unauthrorized use of the F1 handle that is a blantant copyright violation.

He's More Machine than Man.

Adrian Newey has confirmed he will do battle with BMW's supercomputer Albert 2 in a game of Tetris on the 4th of August this year. When asked about Newey's chances, BMW Team Principle Mario Theissen added: "If Adrian can find the testicular fortitude to climb into this ring I'm going to give him one shot... While you're thinking about it Adrian, I'll be over here... hanging with the Posse."

Man On A Mission.

When approached by GP Specialist whilst attempting to leave the factory at Enstone, Renault Team Principle Flavio Briatore would not be drawn on Giancarlo Fisichella's contract beyond 2008 or how Renault intends to reverse their current performance slump.

"Why don't you ask me how to fold soup?", was all Briatore could offer.

At the time we went to press, Flavio was reportedly on route to hospital to witness the birth of his new girlfriend.

Old Rockers Never Die

Former GP stalwarts Jacques Villeneuve, Damon Hill and Eddie Jordan are rumoured to be forming a Whitesnake cover band going under the working title 'Second Skin'. "With slow sales for Jacque's debut album and Eddie offering unwelcome advice in his column for F1 Racing, the timing couldn't be better!" gleamed a salivating Damon Hill. David Coverdale of Whitesnake was unavailable for comment.

No Moss Gathered

77-year-old Stirling Moss has reportedly gone underground, citing privacy fears as the reason for his self imposed exile. In a statement released to press, Moss states that he will not re-appear until people stop asking him for "****ing quotes on Lewis Hamilton! Why don't you ask me about the property market?? You've got Scheckter prattling on about ****ing pigs! I've got some great views about Mohnish Pabrai! Why don't you ****ing ask me about that???

Stepney Defence – ‘Magic Dust’ Theory.

Embattled former Ferrari engineer, Nigel Stepney insists that white powder discovered near parts of the F2007 were in actual fact ‘magic dust’ that had cross-pollinated from the successful Brawn-Schumacher-era. An Italian court heard that Stepney was investigating the transfer of pollen grains circa 2000 to 2004 into the Italian squad’s recent campaign.

Speaking to Gazzetta dello Sport, Stepney stated: “The study of pollination brings together many disciplines.. Some of them common to Formula One”, he said. “Where our communication broke down was at the receptive part of the carpel which is called stigma. And now I’ve been stigmatised! My Italian was never very good and look where it’s got me!”.

Stepney’s lawyer Sonia Bartolini was not available for comment.

Honda raids Ferrari for new technical chief

Honda has appointed Björn LoBurg to the role of deputy technical director, supporting senior technical director Shuhei Nakamoto. Björn joins Honda from Scuderia Ferrari where he previously held the position of lavatory attendant .

Shuhei Nakamoto, senior technical director of Honda commented: "I am very pleased with Björn’s appointment at Honda.. We have some very talented people at Honda but Formula One is a rapidly changing sport and we need to evolve in order to keep pace. With Jenson’s fondness of late night curries, I am sure that the difficulties we have seen in the first half of 2007 are now behind us."

Commenting on his new role, Björn said: "I am delighted to be joining Honda. They are a fantastic group of people. Hell! I used to dress up as a woman every day and perform unnatural acts with a proper weirdo. That was the worst job ever!! If I hadn’t got this job I’d get thrown straight back into prison . . . Besides Nick Fry’s a pretty good tipper.."

Albers considering legal action against self.

Christijan Albers who was told last week that he is no longer Spyker's Formula 1 race driver said he is now analyzing with a team of advisers whether or not to take legal action against himself. The Dutchman, who has recently been caught on camera leaving a number service-stations without paying was perplexed by the development.

"Obviously this has been a very unpleasant surprise," said Albers. "Racing wise things were getting better and better and to receive a writ in the mail from myself is devastating. I didn’t even know I practiced law.. Although I speak it fluently."

Even though today's news has been a major blow to Albers' prospects as a functioning member of society he is still positive about his racing career. "Do I still have a future in Formula 1? Of course, there is always a future and I would never give up. If Björn LoBurg can make it anyone can ."