Coulthard Biography rewrite's history.

David Coulthard has come under fire (yet again) for his autobiography 'It Is What It Is', for a horde of alleged "historical accuracies". In his book, Coulthard not only claims to have driven for Benetton in the mid-90's, he also claims to have won two world championships with the team.

In other chapters he takes credit for inventing a worm-driven cylinder boring machine, being the creative driving force behind Travis, Idlewilde and Belle & Sebastion, and becoming the first female President of Guatemala.

The claims have come at a time when Coulthard had crtiticised team-mate Mark Webber; saying that his sports-related fundrasing activities are a "shameless exercise in self-promotion".

Fisi's Italian Job

Giancarlo Fisichella was arrested today driving down the iconic Spanish Steps in Rome.

After hurtling down the 138 marble steps, the evergreen Renault driver was found slumped at Jarno Trulli's Toyota Celica's steering wheel by police - and more than twice the drink-driving limit.

"I think I was at a press launch.. That's all I remember", explained a hungover Fisichella.

Trulli denies any involvment, citing the car was "stolen three weeks ago".

Sources were quick to point out Giancarlo was at a press launch that day - for his beverage 'Drive Beer'.

Alonso's Science of Sleep

In an effort to gain an understanding into Fernando Alonso's inter-team difficulties this year, McLaren technical wizard's have analized Alonso's dreams.

"The results were startling", confirmed McLaren CEO Martin Witmarsh. "There was a dream where Fernando was competing for Arrows against an entire field of Ferrari competitors.. in a game of soccer!.. I'm no psychologist but fuck! Talk about getting your back up.. Get over yourself!"

McLaren techs believe this dream may signify an aggressive, sexual act, however when Alonso's teeth were knocked out many believed he was going through menopause.

Hamilton deny's fido with Dido.

Fresh on the heels of his court battle with the creator's of 'Dirty Dancing', Lewis Hamilton has now been forced to deny rumous that he'd bedded luke-warm pop star, Dido.

"I just found out the other day that I've slept with Dido", recalled Hamilton. "I don't remember it."

Whilst Hamilton claims to have no memory of the encounter, he did not rule out it may have happened.

"She's like the musical equivalent to a Marks and Spencer ready-meal – it has an air of class and it tastes pleasant enough, but in the long run is pretty dull, unmemorable, impossible to distinguish from anything else of its kind, and not very good for you.. You try to block these things out you know?"

Biography not 'sex' book claims Coulthard

David Coulthard spoke at Istanbul Park on Thursday about his recently released autobiography, ‘It is What It Is’. The book charts Coulthard’s rise from humble origins in a rural Scottish village to a life of fame and fortune. With photography by Steven Meisel Studio and film frames shot by Fabien Baron - who worked on Madonna’s ‘Sex’ book - comparisons have been made with the pop star’s controversial coffee table piece.

“I think the controversy stems from a photo of me kneeling on the ground with my dog underneath me on its back”, explained a defensive Coulthard. “..creating the impression that I’m straddling the animal. However, should one look closely at the photograph, one will see that I’m is not straddling the dog's head at all, but rather kneeling on both knees beside the dog.. It's fairly obvious.. really.."

David Coulthard’s autobiography, It is What It Is, is on sale now, price £18.99, published by Orion.

Lewis in "a corner"

Lewis Hamilton has been served bu Lions Gate Films for infringing copyright with the term "Nobody puts baby in a corner".

The outburst came during an altercation with Kimi Raikkonen and Felipe Massa in a Budapest toilet block.

The quote, said by Patrick Swayze at the climax of the 1987 'Dirty Dancing' film starring Swayze and Jennifer Grey, has achieved a cult-like status, marketed and often repeated in films and TV shows for 20 years. Lionsgate, a unit of Lions Gate Entertainment Corp., seeks to prevent Lewis from selling merchandise containing the phrase, as well unspecified statutory and actual damages, treble damages and punitive damages.

Alonso: "One race at a time.. I think"

Fernando Alonso will contest his 100th F1 Grand Prix this coming weekend in Turkey and as he fights to make up a seven-point gap to team mate Lewis Hamilton, he revealed he is just taking it one race at a time.

"We are in a strong position in both Championships and there are a lot of points to be won in the final six races. However, we are looking at the races five by one.. Or two by three.. It all depends. If my focus is on this Grand Prix and say.. Sao Paulo, then it works as a group G set F with a binary operation. But then again if I pick an element in G denoted by a*b (i.e., satisfies closure)) that satisfies the following 3 axioms: Taking out that C*NUT Hamilton containing two or more of the same associative operators in a row; 1. putting him in the wall, 2. putting him over the wall, 3. Borrowing Montoya's helmet and putting him in a fucking tree! The order of operations does not matter as long as the sequence of the operands is not changed. That is, rearranging the parentheses in such an expression will not change its value. Consider that and stay fashionable idiota!

Kubica in danger of being smarter.

Initial speculation that Robert Kubica has put his massive Montreal shunt in Montreal behind him has given way to fears that the Polish driver's brain may be swelling out of all proportion.

Doctors are concerned for BMW-Sauber's staff as Robert's thirst for knowledge is superceding the abilities of key technical personnel.

"His increase in head circumference measurements is way out of proportion to other body dimensions or a single head circumference measurement which greatly exceeds the 97th percentile", said former F1 doctor Sid Watkins. "Evaluating the mental status.. I'd say we're all in trouble.. He's the fucking Lawnmower man!"

Speed infiltrates 'Bad Boys'

Scott Speed has attempted to enter Eddie Jordan's television show 'Bad Boy Racers' it was discovered last Tuesday.

"The 'Bad Boy Racers' are a group of 8 young men involved in car crime in England who Eddie takes under his wing and gives them another start at life", a television source explained. "We believed Scott misread the show as a doorway back into F1"

"The first sign was when a Torro Rosso employee discovered a TR2 on bricks in Budapest.. At which point the team contacted us" the source claimed.

"We had grown suspicious of a slightly older member of the group who was a bit over the top. He prefixed his introductions with 'yeah - I'm a right Chav' and 'ooweeer - I will nick you'. Sure enough, when we removed his beanie.. it was Scott".

Speed apparently explained his actions from being from a "broken home".

Spyker for sale

Dutch sports car maker Spyker Cars NV might sell some or all of its Formula One team as part of a refinancing plan and strategic review, Spyker said on Tuesday. The vice-chairman of its supervisory board, Hans Hugenholtz, who has temporarily take on the role of CEO at Spyker said he was open to offers.

"Hi! My name is Hans! How can I put you in this car today?", said Hans, adding that he was reviewing a number of unsolicited received offers for the team or parts of it.

"The nice thing about this car is that it's safe" added Hans. "Look at Albers.. Not a scratch on him. Tell you what.. I'm gonna write a number on this here piece of paper here.. Look at it.. tell me what you think.. The price on the winglets is merely a 'suggestion', not a soft dollar deal. No sir! Only one previous owner.. Okay two, but he was an Irishman who only used it on weekends!"

Overtaking Plan is Go!

Formula One teams are edging closer to agreeing on a future car design that will improve overtaking.

The Overtaking Working Group or (Pick Your Nose Through Your Arsehole Association) held an evaluation meeting and have now agreed on the design that could be introduced as soon as 2009. McLaren engineering director and PYNTYA chairmain Paddy Lowe was proud of his team's achievement.

"I think we've finally settled on the most convoluted and uneconomical solution available", explained Patty. "Talks had just about broken down until Rory Byrne suggested a complicated system of cryopreservation; where a car and driver could be momentarily sent into a state of suspended animation.. Kind of like sculpting small lumps of water into the shape of ice-cubes.. Or just.. ice-cubes."

Tarantino woos old Bulls

Quentin Tarantino was spotted in the pits at Budapest scouting for extras to appear in his new exploitation film ‘Chinfestation’. Speaking with Mark Webber and David Coulthard, Tarantino was optimistic about the pair’s involvement. Webber however, went pains to illustrate the more altruistic motives for his participation in the project.

“Quentin assures me the working title 'Geniophobia and Fear of Chins', will deal with how the disease significantly impacts the quality of life”, explained Webber. “It can cause panic attacks and keep people apart from loved ones and business associates. People don’t know this but Patrick Head is a major sufferer”.

To learn more about our 24-Hour Fear Of Chins Program, please call 1-800-828-7484.

Irvine - "McLaren duo are babies"

Former Formula 1 tool-monkey Eddie Irvine can't believe what has happened at McLaren last weekend in Hungary. The former bleach-blonde-Ulsterman didn't have any positive words for the McLaren duo. He furthermore said: "If they were to make a sequel of the film 'Million Dollar baby', then Lewis and Fernando would surely be the stars. I'd call it 'Multi-Million Dollar Babies!' If they want to behave like men then they should do the following; run a multi-million dollar mid-level F1 team into the ground, bolster your entire career on the back of a fist-fight with a deceased World Champion and throw a championship away that was handed to you on a plate.. Oh and name your boat after your enormous.. I mean a snake.. name it after a snake. They’re my four rules of thumb. I was all thumbs anyway”.

Lewis tastes the Candy.

Amidst the the saga at Budapest, Lewis Hamilton has taken inspiration from his favorite John Candy film.. 'Cool Runnings'.

"When things get tough and lots of different things come into it I think about a film I really like called Cool Runnings. There is a song in it called Rise Above It, and that's what I say to myself. Get on with what you are doing."

Speculating on his near miss pole-position thanks to being held up in pit-lane, Lewis was philosphical.

"A true As you can see this weekend and today, I was quicker. It's a great feeling for me Ah sey one.. all fruits right mon.. Now naa badda mi bumbuclot!"

Rumours are circulating that Lewis' new found inspiration are a mixed response to Eddie Jordan's advice to "cool off" after the Budapest furore.

Spanish body in the shits.

The Spanish motorsports' federation, the RFEA, has voiced its displeasure at Fernando Alonso's penalty during qualifying for the Hungarian Grand Prix by arranging for an African elephant to take a dump outside FIA's headquarters.

RFEA on Sunday showed its support for Alonso, and said it will take all the necessary measures to clear up the situation.

"The RFEA will show its most vigorous protest to the international bodies responsible for this decision, and it will take all the available measures ..."