Ralf - "You've just been Punk'd!"

Ralf Schumacher has confessed that he made up claims that he would definitely remain in Formula One in 2008.

The German, who has just announced that he is switching to the DTM, repeatedly told the media at the end of last year that he was adamant he would stay in F1. But despite testing for Force India at the end of the season, Schumacher never had any options to race - and has revealed that he made up the claims about his future.

"I did make those comments, and I stand by them. It could still happen. Just like my seven world titles. Dreams can come true.. You know you've got to have'em.. You know you've got to be strong."

Schumacher also indicated that he may attend some grands prix in the future.

"If I come to the formula one paddock, I will certainly eat my supper in the Mercedes motor home," he vowed walking out the door in a Batman outfit.

Ecclestone defends bender Kimi

Bernie Ecclestone has defended reigning world champion Kimi Raikkonen's reputation as a fast Ferrari racer who likes a drink.

"Every time I've been out to dinner with him," the F1 Chief Executive told the Mirror, "he has been as good as gold. And he's even better when he's pissed! We had a great time sleazing onto women and stealing cars. There's nothing wrong with that.. By the way, if you're reading this Jean, you can find your 575 in the Arno river.. I think the keys are still in it".

Kolles puts Fisi in a spin.

Force India have ended their test in Barcelona on the right footing heading into Maelbourne, according to technical chief Mike Gascoyne.

"A reasonable end to the test, although we did have slightly more problems than on the other two days," said Gascoyne. "Our main aim was to do a full race distance with both cars, which we managed to achieve in the end despite the red flags and Fisi having to be snapped out of a trance after being rendered catatonic by former Midland boss Colin Kolles... That ruski's got a real nerve turning up! He even freeloads off the catering department, it takes us hours to ship in what he offloads!"

Bernie goes bananas!

Bernie Ecclestone has again threatened Australian Grand Prix organisers that if they cannot meet his licence fees and hold a night event for Europeans too lazy to get out of bed on the weekend, he will be forced to sell the event to a politically unstable backwater run by publicity seeking autocrats.

“I’ve been in negotiations with “The Octopus” Group in Hondurus”, beamed a delighted Ecclestone. “They’ve assured me if the fees are not met they can more than adequately remunerate the emolument in bananas”.. “They also assure me spectator areas will seat no more than 10 and will only be filled by the ruling clique”.

“There’s nothing worse than dealing with the unwashed masses”, he said.

Banana trading company, Cuyamel Fruit, is also rumoured to be behind the deal

"Spain not responsible" - Richards

Britain's Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton was the target of racist insults over the weekend while undergoing tests with his McLaren-Mercedes team at Montmelo near Barcelona, the Spanish press reported on Sunday.

Catalan daily El Periodico reported it was a group of Fernando Alonso supporters who were making the chants, but some quarters reported that Michael Richards, the ex-Seinfeld actor was the one behind the upheaval.

"Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f--king fork up your arse." Richards was heard to utter.

"He paced across the stage taunting Hamilton each time he left the pit" claimed a Spanish onlooker. "So we heckled back: "That was uncalled for, you f--king cracker-ass motherf--ker."

Richards retorted: "Cracker-ass? You calling me cracker-ass, puta?"

Richards was escorted from the circuit without further incident.