Horner praises his ‘Upchuck Jumbuck’

Mark Webber had more to contend with than just the loss of his potential podium in Japan yesterday, as he also drove the entire race suppressing a dog’s breakfast.

Red Bull team boss Christian Horner explained, "In Formula One you face many emotions and today Mark was driving a fantastic race. He had food poisoning this morning, which he was battling with and threatened to throw up in the car. We knew straight away it was not a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’."

“He hadn’t swallowed his food properly and the g-forces were obstructing his ability to follow through.. But in true Aussie fashion, he kept pushing. We could here him on the radio yelling “I see a whole strawberry! Repeat! I see a whole strawberry!!” We screamed back “Push!.. Push!..”. When Sebastian hit him (Mark) in the rear all hell broke loose! It was very noisy and chunky. The entire pit-crew hit the decks.. Well their stomachs did anyway!”

FIA to back up emails with ‘printed notices’

After Ferrari failed to receive before today's Japanese Grand Prix an email from the race stewards instructing all teams to fit extreme weather tyres on their cars before the race, the stewards discussed the matter late into the evening at Fuji. A statement from the race stewards cited:

"To avoid any recurrence of today's problem, the agreed method of using electronic communications will continue to be used but in the future will be backed up by the traditional method of written confirmation and in the case of Ferrari will be woven onto a 50 cm by 70 m (20 in by 230 ft) long gold embroidered cloth which depicts the events leading up to the 1066 Norman invasion of England as well as the events of the invasion itself. The Tapestry is annotated in to be embroidered in Latin."

Stewart a "halfwit" - Mosely

FIA President and fascist offspring Max Mosley has labelled three-time World Champion Jackie Stewart a "halfwit".

After increasing criticism from Stewart over the way the FIA handled the 'Stepneygate' affair, Max has hit back.

"Some of the sponsors listen to him because he's (Stewart) won a few championships. But nobody else in formula one does - not the teams, not the drivers. He's a figure of fun among drivers," Mosley added.

Mosley cited Stewart's tartan trousers and caps for proof, adding, "He goes round dressed up as a 1930s music hall man. He's a certified halfwit."

Stewart was non-plussed.

"I'm very flattered with Max's remarks" replied Stewart, "but I'm not the real hero. He should be congratulating Neil Moran, whom I believe has a full doctorate in buffoonery".

Stewart was referring to Neil Horan of Nunhead, the 56-year-old man and charged him with "aggravated trespassing" during the 2003 British Grand Prix.

Red Bull experience 'human traffick'

Red Bull owner Dietrich Mateschitz, has been accused of smuggling large quanities of his famed energy drink onto Laucala Island, off Fiji.

Banned on the island, Mateschitz was rumoured to have been experimenting with child smuggling; where a young boy or girl would consume large quantities of Red Bull, be 'escorted' onto the island by an F1 celebrity as part of a tendentious promotional campaign, only to be 'drained' at a secret laboratory somewhere on the island.

This incriminating photo of Mark Webber was taken by Eddie Irvine, who was on the island visiting 'friends'.

You've got mail!!

Red Bull Racing may face exclusion from the 2008 World Constructors Championship after reports that Mark Webber received a letter from Ferrari President Luca di Montezmolo yesterday.

The letter titled 'You May Already Be A Winner!', contained detailed documentation on Ferrari's F2008 chassis and urged the recipient to 'act now to avoid disappointment!'. Drivers have been warned to not open any mail coming from Marenello.

"I was so excited!", recounted a distraught Webber. "It was the only thing I'd won all year!"

Super Aguri driver, Anthony Davidson confirmed he had also received a similar letter, but contained small doses of white powder he thought was "anthrax".

When questioned about the letters, Montezmolo was unrepentant.

"Yes we (Ferrari) sent the letters.. In fact we sent them to everyone. There's more than one way to win a championship you know!"

The FIA were said to be too busy dividing up a recent windfall to give the matter "serious consideration".

Pro-Drive name approval.

Pro-Drive could neither confirm or deny their McLaren customer car entry for 2008 will go under the moniker of (defunct American car manufacturer) 'Delorean'.

Pro-Drive chief David Richards, was at pains to suggest the team title but did conceed the name would be apt given the 2008 Formula One regulations will require fuel to be made up of 6% biological material. This biofuel will consist of things such as manure, fish and plant oils, and agricultural waste.

Mosley refurbishes home.

After the hard slog of fining McLaren and docking their World Championship Constructors points, FIA President Max Mosley has rewarded himself with a $100 million home refurbishment.

The design, itself a homage to the 30's architecture of Albert Speer is a homage to Mosley's late father Oswald Mosley and his mother Diana Guinness, née Mitford, (one of the celebrated Mitford sisters). who married in secret in 1936, in the Berlin home of human hobbyist, Joseph Goebbels.

Kimi lured by vodka-flavoured ice-cream!

In a statement made during this weekend's Monza press conference, Jarno Trulli has cast dispersions on Ferrari's tactics during the end of season driver market - and the signing of one Kimi Matias Raikonnen.

Speaking to Dan Knutson of 'Speed Sport News', Trulli explained" "I have always been contracted with other teams and I had no connection with them (Ferrari). But they have always been good to me. They always give me ice cream! So I am happy…"

When asked about his signing, Kimi Raikonnen's referred only to a "queer old balloon man" whistleing like a Siren, luring children. There seemed to be a magical quality about him and the ice-cream.. I went for a ride in the sky with him..".

Luca de Montezemolo was unavailable for comment.