GP Specialist

One for the Mammary banks

2008-11-03T18:02:00.000-08:00

Sebastian Vettel did what he had to do in the Brazilian Grand Prix and that was racing until the end. The German managed to overtake Lewis Hamilton with two laps to go with complete disregard to Hamilton’s championship aspirations.

I had no idea in what position we were racing," Vettel explained after the race. "I was totally focussed on Salma’s tits that I didn't watch my pit board once to be honest. It was incredibly slippery out there.. on track I mean and I needed every second to focus on her t.. the track.
"Hamilton ran a bit wide after Kubica overtook him and I could pass him quiet easily, but I didn't have a clue what Consequence it could have for Hamilton. I was just fully focussed on the tits!”

Hamilton in a Hoff

2008-10-27T00:15:00.000-07:00

McLaren staff are concerned for Lewis Hamilton’s preparation for the Formula 1 title decider at Sao Paulo in just under a weeks time.

Mercedes Motrorsport head Norbert Haug believes that outside influences are hindering the young McLaren charges focus।

“It’s that bloody Baywatch audition!” cited Haug. Ever since he sent in that audition tape it’s been ‘Hasselhoff’’ this .. and ‘Brande’ that!.. He didn’t get the part but we haven’t had the heart to tell him.. He’s even been training in slow-motion!”

Bernie’s in Toyland

2008-10-26T23:40:00.000-07:00

Draft plans for a Formula One circuit on the grounds of Disneyland Paris have been prepared, as the French racing federation considers options for the country's Grand Prix in 2010 and beyond.
F1 Chief Executive Bernie Ecclestone is desperate for his sport to move away from Magny Cours.

There are alternatives to Disneyland, which is about a half hour drive from the French capital, but it is reportedly Ecclestone's preferred venue।

The French language newspaper La Presse reports that Disneyland's owners Euro Disney, have devised plans for a temporary F1 track that extends 700 metres into the Enchanted Forest. Through the Mount Gushmore tunnel, and a 200 metre climb up Space Mountain.

Tram company denies claims of ending Webber's race

2008-10-09T15:59:00.000-07:00

Operators of Singapore's Mass Rapid Transit (SMRT) system have refuted claims that a passing tram could have caused Mark Webber's retirement from the recent night grand prix there. Red Bull Racing officials said after the race that the Australian driver's broken gearbox could have been caused by the static electricity carried by a tram line beneath the track at turn 13.

But according to the news wire service AFP, SMRT refuted the claim.

"There is no MRT track beneath turn 13 as the tram was running late that day.. When were running to the Russian timetable that particular day."
Webber added that he "won’t be validating my #%^@ing metcard next time I’m in Melbourne I can tell you!".

Kubica: the new Paddock Kingpin

2008-10-06T00:24:00.000-07:00

Robert Kubica is swapping his tracks skills for work on a different type of lane this week when he pursues his love of ten-pin bowling in a professional competition in Vienna.
"I always try to explain to the people who don't know bowling, as a lot of them say, 'I hear you are bowling.' and they see bowling like a party game - where you go drinking beer and have fun," said Kubica in a video interview on bowling digital.com।

"I try to explain to them that it is really, really technical and really difficult। You have to have a lot of knowledge, experience and precision. I used to bowl as a way of earning extra cash for my motorsport career॥ That.. And having to perform sexual favours for my hideous landlady - something that is similar to F1!.. Well, at Flavio’s anyway.

"Fernando, he plays also. I always say to him, 'come out and play.' But he doesn't want to because he is shit, so he doesn't like that I beat him...maybe one day we will have an F1 drivers' championship for bowling.. So if you think you’re good enough.. Come get some kutas!"

Williams could’ve had Hamilton

2008-09-28T00:04:00.000-07:00

Williams could have signed Lewis Hamilton in 2004 but their former engine partners BMW passed up the opportunity, the Formula One team's co-founder Patrick Head said.

Head told reporters that Hamilton and his father Anthony had visited the team's factory that year after falling out with backers McLaren while the Briton was racing in Formula Three Euroseries.

"They rang up and said 'can we come and see you?'," he recalled. "And they came in and said '(McLaren boss) Ron Dennis has dropped us'.
"We were with BMW at the time and I think Frank (Williams) rang Jacque Villeneuve up to ask for his baggy overalls back.. That was fine until we noticed a shit-stain from Jerez ’97 still in the crotch.. Needless to say our relationship with the Hamilton’s didn’t get very far”.

Cyber-Sex Depression

2008-09-27T22:56:00.001-07:00

It has been a well kept secret (until now) that a number of Force India team staff have been engaging in frequent rituals of cyber-sex whilst on the job।

“We worked out those mechanics having cyber sex had alarmingly high rates of depression, anxiety and stress and typically devote hours a day to the covert activity”, said Team Principal, Mike Gasgoyne।

The Force India shock sheds new light on the types of people who frequent online sex, fetish and swinging sites, revealing they are overwhelmingly male, well-educated, and aged anywhere from 18 to 80।

“Everyone except Flavio”, cited Gasgoyne.. “We get around 50 to 60 erotic e-mails from him each day.. It’s a bit hard to keep up actually! So we replaced our boring script with a massive dumb blonde script that takes up far less hard drive!”

“#%^@ you!!.. That’s my name!!”

2008-09-13T01:43:00.000-07:00

Lewis Hamilton’s love of David Mamet films was brought up recently when questioned about Kimi Raikkonen’s braking ablility..

“Well, that's his driving, that's all.. That is how he drives” explained Hamilton. “If you don't have the balls to brake late then that’s his problem! You need brass balls in this business, so if you can’t close shit.. You ARE shit!.. Hit the bricks pal and beat it, coz’ you are goin’ out!!”
“I made 20 million last year in Reebok endorsements alone! How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get from Bernie? You don't like it, leave”.

Another Ferrari Leak?

2008-09-13T01:35:00.001-07:00

The appearance of Ferrari's radical nose innovation confirmed that espionage could still be a factor at the Italian team।Alleged Ferrari spy Nigel Stepney no longer works for the Maranello based team, but the technical secret about the 'hole nose' nonetheless emerged in a torrent at Monza this week. Ferrari Team Principle, Stefano Domenicali described the deluge as “thick and coloured”.

In other news, Ferrari top brass are recently answering claims of racism towards English drivers.

Vettel, Heidfeld square off.

2008-09-04T18:37:00.000-07:00

Sebastian Vettel and ex-BMW team mate Nick Heidfeld had a war of words over who was the dominant force in German music.
When asked the latest hackneyed question over what was on their I-Pod’s, the conversation got extremely heated:

Sebastian V: Any kind really, German folk songs are my favourite। Anything really, a bit of everything.
Nick H: No German folk music for me, more in the direction of R&B, hip-hop, not so much techno, more chill-out but various stuff।
SV: Why don't you like folk songs?
NH: Why do you like it, that's more difficult to answer, I think?
SV: I like the lyrics!
NH: I like the smile on the singers' faces, just like yours।
SV: Are you saying I have a ****-eating grin you hack?!

The two German were quickly separated by a fast-thinking Raikonnen॥
Kimi R: Haters hate when I’m winning, but I’ve been hot from the beginning!… I’ll fill your asses up with lead.. So don’t be pussies.. Or I’ll aim straight for your head!.. Word!

Webber: Senna was “A Pussy!”

2008-09-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

Mark Webber has come under fire after labelling Senna as “a pussy”.
Webber made his comments whilst referring to the modifications made to Spa’s most treacherous corner – Eau Rouge।

"It is natural that guys will say, back in the day it was more dangerous, but actually what Senna and co drove, they were pussies compared to what Jack Brabham drove। The sport moves on. The real heroes were back in the 1960s and 1970s."

Mark later clarified his statement, saying that he would also win a fist-fight between Senna, himself and Eddie Irvine.Lewis Hamilton and James Allen are seeking legal advice.

Hamilton Caught in Bad Taste

2008-08-19T16:09:00.000-07:00

Lewis Hamilton had some of his luggage stolen from his car as he checked out of a hotel in Spain earlier this week।

The McLaren driver was leaving the five-star Palacio hotel in Malaga where his girlfriend and Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger was singing at an MTV event, when thieves ran off with two bags from the boot of his car।

While it’s believed only an advanced copy of Emmanuel Lewis’s ‘My Story’ and Hamilton’s iPod were stolen, the McLaren ace is reportedly eager to recover the iPod as it contained incriminating evidence from last year’s spy scandal; including downloaded copies of Coldplay, Westlife, Extreme, Hootie and the Blowfish, New Edition and Counting Crows।

Raikkonen, Heidfeld disappoint team boss

2008-08-14T01:42:00.000-07:00

Gerhard Berger, who at the beginning of the season tipped reigning champion Kimi Raikkonen to defend his title, has now changed his mind saying "Now I would put my bets on Lewis Hamilton”. The Austrian former grand prix winner, who co-owns the Toro Rosso team, spoke to Germany's Sport Bild magazine despite having no influence on Ferrari protocol॥

In other news, Hans-Joachim Stuck; a famous German driver who contested grands prix in the 70s and now heads up Volkswagen's racing division, claims that Nick Heidfeld should be replaced by Alonso next year।

New Zealand-born, Ulster Rugby Union player Isaac Boss, has also admitted to being “dissatisfied with Nelson’s Piquet’s progress at Renault”, whilst ‘Bruce The Boss’ Springsteen admitted he had “torn up his Torro Rosso head band” since Scott Speed had been sacked.
Hugo Boss is reportedly unhappy with the length of Heikki Kovalainen’s trousers.

Briatore in Sand Trap

2008-08-12T00:56:00.000-07:00

Flavio Briatore’s holidays were put on temporary hold when the Renault Formula One boss attempted to power ashore aboard his luxury yacht.
The Italian newspaper La Stampa reports that the 58-year-old, his new wife and a celebrity entourage were pelted with water and sand by unhappy bathers when they tried to land on the crowded Capriccioli beach in Sardinia.But the manner in which they sped ashore enraged beachgoers and parents, while 'terrorised children wailed between the waves', La Stampa claimed.
“It was like a scene out of Caddyshack!”; A frightened mother of two exclaimed. Briatore reacted angrily to the abuse, threatening to play Earth, Wind and Fire’s Boogie Wonderland at 95 decibels from his Sardinia Mansion.
“Let’s see how they like that!” Briatore responded. “I pay my taxes! It’s my right! No respect I tell you!.. No respect!!”

Mosley Photographed with Moustached Freak!

2008-08-01T03:44:00.000-07:00

Max Mosley has been photographed with a strange man sporting a “moustache” during his court hearing over the NOTW publications।

The man, Gustav Linoski, who is also Mosley’s lawyer was thrown out of court by Judge Peters on grounds of “looking like a right twat”, and said that he would also dismiss anyone else under similar circumstances।

“I would gladly throw anyone sporting a moustache on the grounds that it is a sure sign that a person thinks himself a bit of a character, and is therefore unreliable.. How can he be expressing any kind of view other than puberty? How does he expect to win me over?”

Who Can you Trust?

2008-08-01T03:21:00.000-07:00

David Coulthard has ended speculation about his future next year by stating he will fulfil a key role in the development of Red Bull’s KERS (kinetic energy recovery system), but he admits after recent developments – he’s not taking any chances।

"Part of my role for next year will be to assist with the development of Red Bull's KERS system. I'll be wearing a full rubber body suit to make sure that I'm safe... Formula One driving suits will become like fireproof condoms!. After what happened to Mosley I’m not taking any chances.. I mean if you can’t trust a prostitute anymore, who can you trust?”

Kubica’s leading status a sure thing

2008-07-31T01:14:00.000-07:00

Robert Kubica has taken his “un-official” leading man status at BMW to new heights by swapping roles with John Cusack for this weekends Hungarian Grand Prix.

Insiders believe Robert’s dalliance with the Say Anything actor has arisen from comments made by itv hack James Allen after the Canadian Grand Prix when Allen was overheard saying that Kubica was “no Brad Pitt!”

Cusack is considered to be an all-rounde; capable of singing, dancing, and acting at a professional level, but never outshining his female co-star and Robert believes the swap should hold no unforseen dramas। “I have flattered my team-mate Nick Heidfeld in the last two races this season, and he can’t even get through the garage without even knocking over the furniture!”

McLaren drop anvil on Newey

2008-07-08T15:19:00.000-07:00

McLaren's bid to keep up the aggressive development of their MP4-23 continued on Tuesday when they ran an anvil wing engine cover for the first time at the Hockenheim test

The use of the engine cover follows the trend begun by designer Adrian Newey at Red Bull Racing and since copied by Renault and Force India. McLaren F1 CEO Martin Whitmarsh believes copying the design is providing excellent value for money.

“It’s ****ing awesome!” explained Whitmarsh. “Not only don’t we have to pay for the designs, but we’re getting money back off Adrian after that 11th hour deal in ’04 that really screwed our budget. If you’re reading this Adrian.. screw unto others as they screw unto you!”

Newey is reportedly consulting the ACME users guide for ‘Advanced Revenge Techniques’ before making any statement.

Webber takes a punt

2008-07-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

On Friday, punters could place a bet on Heikki Kovolainen securing his F1 breakthrough at 23 to 1 - and Red Bull racer Webber fancied a piece of the action."I've put 200 quid on Heikki at 23 to 1, so I'm in good shape," he smiled in the Silverstone media centre. “Anyone else who wants a piece can come to me”.
Webber, who qualified second to the Finn was circumspect when quizzed if he was involved in ‘match fixing’.“Let’s just say I’ll be pitting on lap 3” he grinned.Pole sitter Kovalainen said he has not placed a similar bet. "I don't do betting. I try to earn my money in a safer way.. Pimping out whores!”

Button and Hamilton size up

2008-07-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

In a lively press conference ahead of their home race, the McLaren and Honda drivers got involved in an entertaining exchange that resulted in Hamilton eventually accepting the challenge after regular cock-fight runner Button offered to give money to charity if he lost.
“What if I say £10,000 to the charity of your choice if you beat me? What do you think?” Jenson asked.
“Are you trying to steer me off this championship or what?” Lewis replied.
Button then countered: “It’s the only thing I can be competitive in at the moment. Think about it.”
Then asking further pressing on whether the event would take place by the assembled reporters, Hamilton eventually agreed: “The biggest incentive is, if I do beat you, then you’ve got some money for a charity which is great. However, you do have an advantage as you’ve already done one, and I already know that by doing one you’re better the next time. But man, I’m up for it, I’m up for it.
He then added: “OK, let’s do it. It’s a date.”
The third British driver in the press conference, David Coulthard had already ruled himself out of going up against his two younger compatriots, with the Scot, heading for retirement at the end of the season, saying at 37 he “was too old”.
He did however offer to be “chief arbiter at the weigh-in.

Bourdais Sees Red

2008-06-30T03:38:00.000-07:00

A promotional stunt for Red Bull in Pamplona yesterday has left two Australians injured।

Sebastian Bourdais seriously gored two Australian brothers, catching one on each of the Torro Rosso’s winglets during a Red Bull festival in Pamplona, but both were recovering Friday in the hospital

Lenahan was gored in the buttocks, while Michael, 23, of Carrara, was injured in his leg and was recovering favorably from surgery at the same hospital.
Promoters intended to keep Bourdais running at 20k/ph, but disintegrated shortly after Lenahan (a Will Power supporter) called Bourdais a “whinging f****t!”

"I remember looking back and thinking I was in trouble," Lenahan said।

"I think my brother and I overestimated Bourdais’ sense of humour

Creepy Old Man evicted from BMW pits

2008-06-19T01:49:00.001-07:00

As a recent guest of BMW at the Canadian Grand Prix, pop icon Cliff Richard managed to slip past security and into Robert Kubica’s change room. Unaware who Cliff Richard was, a surprised Robert was left dumbfounded;
“Do you see someone you know?”, Cliff asked.
With a furled brow Robert said, “No”.
“Oh, now I remember. It was in a dream” Cliff answered.. “You were sitting over there at that table, except in the dream you were girl with black hair.. You don't wanna hurt yourself driving.. Make sure you stretch out those creamy hamstrings.”
“Piss off, you perverted old douche bag!” Robert was heard screaming.

Renault Counts the Cost

2008-06-19T00:55:00.001-07:00

A recent Renault survey conducted in May, comprised of responses from employees representing a variety of sources including their race team, test team and factory based representatives. 60% of employees divulged that they had stolen from their employer; some justifying the thefts as “justified for lack of compensation for overtime”

Flavio Briatore dismissed the thievery as “petty”, but failed to acknowledge that missing post-its, paper clips and rubber bands only accounted for 28% of stolen items। One enterprising employee decided to rescue an unused J-Damper that had been sitting on an empty desk for over a year, while a number of ‘O’ Rings have turned up on eBay posing as a titanium backgammon set।

Flavio did admit however, that the biggest thing people take from their office is time. “We all spend time each day making personal calls, emailing, IMing and surfing the net for strawberry-flavoured G-Strings.. I think that loss of productivity is a much more substantial economic loss than office supplies".

Quick Nick gets “nicked”

2008-06-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

A still inconsolable Nick Heidfeld faced the German press last Tuesday over what he feels was a “travesty of justice” after being asked to move over for Robert Kubica in Canada last weekend. BMW top brass however were quick to point out the parity of the situation.
"You gotta swallow this one," whispered Wili Ramf into Heidfeld’s ear। “You’ve gotta admit, he stole it fair and square॥ Just like you did in Monaco 2005."

“You can jam your parity all the way up your ass!” Heidfeld was heard yelling after the press conference. “I haven’t felt this bad since ‘Juno’ won best screenplay!”

Lewis’s Walk in the Park.

2008-06-14T00:15:00.000-07:00

In a sad re-enactment of Anthony Hamilton’s crash into a children’s playground but a week ago, son Lewis plowed his McLaren MP-23 into a Somerset pre-school at 3 a.m. this morning.

ITV commentator and F1 expert, James Allen likened the incident to that of Ayrton Senna’s fatal accident at Imola in 1994.

“It’s horrible.. It happened at three a.m., which is inversely proportional to the time Senna died at 3pm!” exclaimed Allen. “There are a lot of grief stricken children today, which of course is also inversely proportional to the grief experienced by Brazilians after Senna’s passing”.

Anthony Hamilton is said to be planning his check-mate sometime this week.

Piquet’s Bum Steer

2008-05-30T01:05:00.000-07:00

Nelson Piquet is reportedly living in squalor in a move to motivate his on-track performances.
In a move to remove all distractions, Flavio Briatore has removed all creature comforts from Piquet’s life to help him focus on his racing, but GPDA director Mark Webber was angered by the move।

“The main clinical conditions leading to these sort of living conditions is either dementia, schizophrenia or alcoholism and we believe that a lot of the drivers have changes in their frontal lobes of their brains। No wonder Nelson’s struggling," Webber said.

Webber says more resources are needed to help drivers living in extreme squalor।

"When they have such severe problems with their thinking processes and are unable to work out what to do for themselves, yes, we believe that the GPDA should intervene," he said.

Who’s pulling Hamilton’s Strings

2008-05-11T00:54:00.000-07:00

Lewis Hamilton admitted he regrets taking part in a pre-Turkish Grand Prix publicity stunt for McLaren title sponsor Vodafone, which brought on media mockery in the UK।

Hamilton was hoisted on to stage on high wires, portraying the Greek god Apollo, during a promotional event at the Istanbul set of 'Fires of Anatolia', a show depicting the battle of Troy।

"I thought 'that really was not cool.. Now I've seen the footage and it's one of the worst things I've ever seen” cited Hamilton. “At the end of the day I have a cool image, and things like that don't help… I’m a cool dude and cool dudes don’t hang from strings looking like Muppets.. Except Dr Teeth maybe.. Come to think of it, he was pretty cool.. Get Jim Henson on the phone.. I wanna guest spot!.. Whaddaya mean he won’t answer his phone???!!"

Sutil: Pawn in a game of Porn

2008-05-10T00:26:00.000-07:00

Force India driver Adrian Sutil said on Friday police had foiled an attempt to blackmail him after last month's Spanish Grand Prix।

"When I came back from Barcelona there was a guy who had the hard disk of my old computer because my father had thrown It out ..," the young German told Reuters at the Turkish Grand Prix।

"Somebody took this hard disk out of the computer, recognised me and he wanted to have a little benefit out of it," added the 25-year-old।

Sutil said there was nothing on the hard drive that would have embarrassed him if made public, other than "all my personal details, Oh.. and some pics I downloaded from the “News of the World Website”

Lewis’ career in pop a ‘Daft’ idea

2008-04-02T00:53:00.000-07:00

Lewis Hamilton has joined ex-F1 driver Jacques Villeneuve in a quest for pop stardom, but may face opposition when his new single “Harder, Better, Faster, Longer” hits shelves next week.
The single’s title bears a striking resemblance to Daft’s Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger”, but Hamilton denies any plaigarism, labelling any comparisons as “daft” during the launch of his single at ‘Hype’ Nightclub this week.

Daft Punk are said to be consulting lawyers regarding the track, and will be considering litigation concerning image copyright infringement.

Kimi Cops a Mouthfull

2008-04-02T00:33:00.000-07:00

Kimi Raikonnen’s affirmation that it’s “better in the mouth than in the eye”,after copping a faceload of champaign from Heikki Kovolainen in Malaysia, has drawn opposition from leading members of the international porn community.
International spokesman, Ron Jeremy was particularly vocal, saying Raikonnen “had no business casting methodological dispersions on an industry he has no qualififications in – regardless of his patronage”.
FIA President, Max Mosley has supported Jeremy’s comments, saying he should put himself in Ron’s shoes before making unqualified statements”.

Give Kimi A Chance

2008-04-01T02:09:00.000-07:00

Robert Kubica was spotted in the Sepang paddock espousing the virues of peace in an attempt to enlist fellow drivers into his “Free Kimi” campaign.
I’m basically attempting to showcase the mainstream media's relentless hostility to Kimi’s monosyllabia." Robert said. “ Perhaps the more conservative elements of itv can’t understand our euro-compendiary… Well if you’re reading this James Allen. You can suck my bigos!”

Max knows Nussing!

2008-03-31T23:59:00.000-07:00

British dishrag, the News of the World reported in a front page story that FIA president Mosley, 67, had taken part in a 'sadomasochistic orgy' with five prostitutes that was alleged to involve Nazi role-playing। F! supremo Bernie Ecclestone wasn’t convinced however.

"I don't honestly believe [it] affects the sport in any way”, cited Ecclestone. “Knowing Max it might be all a bit of a joke. You know, it's one of those things where he's sort of taking the piss, rather than anything against Jewish people… By the way, do you know why the chicken crossed the road?.. Seriously I have no idea! Tell me! I vant to know ze joke!!.. Zat’s not funny!!!!”

Ecclestone – Force of Nature

2008-03-30T23:23:00.001-07:00

Organisers of the Bahrain Grand Prix, revealed on Sunday that Formula One Management has ordered the promoters to arrange for McLaren to be housed next to Force India, the local newspaper Gulf Daily News said.

Whilst Bernie Ecclestone agreed to spare McLaren the indignity of also having the farthest pit slots, his reneging on the deal has compelled the Bahrain group to issue a statement of force majeure; a common clause in contracts which essentially frees both parties from liability or obligation when an extraordinary event or circumstance beyond the control of the parties, such as war, strike, riot, crime or an act of nature.

Eccleston’s morphological development now renders him eligible to nudge pestilence from the “big three” natural disasters - although will face a tough stand-off with neoliberalism if he’s to get his way.

“Outrage” over Nico pics

2008-03-30T01:52:00.000-07:00

Paddock rumours have suggested that Frank Williams has helped financed his 2008 season by selling pictures of Nico Rosberg to various ‘men’s magazines’. These seemingly harmless pics were bought by Australian magazine ‘Outrage’.

Outrage Editor, Kevin Fox cited: “We weren’t happy with the original launch shots so we sent them back with some specific instructions.. The one’s they came back with were fabulous!!”

Massa(ged) Ego

2008-03-30T01:45:00.000-07:00

A Ferrari spokesman has finally confirmed that Felipe Massa's Sepang spin was caused fundamentally by driver error.

Massa initially denied such rumours; citing that the spin was caused when the car “stalled aerodynamically after experiencing some apex turbulence”.
Ron Dennis was unfortunately not available to translate the techo-jargon to GP Specialist at the time, but Ferrari top brass are re-drafting their original statement that the spin was not “caused by a Ferrari defect” as Massa only answers to Felipe or sometimes Tonto

Ralf - "You've just been Punk'd!"

2008-02-27T22:48:00.000-08:00

Ralf Schumacher has confessed that he made up claims that he would definitely remain in Formula One in 2008.

The German, who has just announced that he is switching to the DTM, repeatedly told the media at the end of last year that he was adamant he would stay in F1. But despite testing for Force India at the end of the season, Schumacher never had any options to race - and has revealed that he made up the claims about his future.

"I did make those comments, and I stand by them. It could still happen. Just like my seven world titles. Dreams can come true.. You know you've got to have'em.. You know you've got to be strong."

Schumacher also indicated that he may attend some grands prix in the future.

"If I come to the formula one paddock, I will certainly eat my supper in the Mercedes motor home," he vowed walking out the door in a Batman outfit.

Ecclestone defends bender Kimi

2008-02-27T22:32:00.000-08:00

Bernie Ecclestone has defended reigning world champion Kimi Raikkonen's reputation as a fast Ferrari racer who likes a drink.

"Every time I've been out to dinner with him," the F1 Chief Executive told the Mirror, "he has been as good as gold. And he's even better when he's pissed! We had a great time sleazing onto women and stealing cars. There's nothing wrong with that.. By the way, if you're reading this Jean, you can find your 575 in the Arno river.. I think the keys are still in it".

Kolles puts Fisi in a spin.

2008-02-27T22:18:00.000-08:00

Force India have ended their test in Barcelona on the right footing heading into Maelbourne, according to technical chief Mike Gascoyne.

"A reasonable end to the test, although we did have slightly more problems than on the other two days," said Gascoyne. "Our main aim was to do a full race distance with both cars, which we managed to achieve in the end despite the red flags and Fisi having to be snapped out of a trance after being rendered catatonic by former Midland boss Colin Kolles... That ruski's got a real nerve turning up! He even freeloads off the catering department, it takes us hours to ship in what he offloads!"

Bernie goes bananas!

2008-02-07T14:24:00.000-08:00

Bernie Ecclestone has again threatened Australian Grand Prix organisers that if they cannot meet his licence fees and hold a night event for Europeans too lazy to get out of bed on the weekend, he will be forced to sell the event to a politically unstable backwater run by publicity seeking autocrats.

“I’ve been in negotiations with “The Octopus” Group in Hondurus”, beamed a delighted Ecclestone. “They’ve assured me if the fees are not met they can more than adequately remunerate the emolument in bananas”.. “They also assure me spectator areas will seat no more than 10 and will only be filled by the ruling clique”.

“There’s nothing worse than dealing with the unwashed masses”, he said.

Banana trading company, Cuyamel Fruit, is also rumoured to be behind the deal

"Spain not responsible" - Richards

2008-02-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

Britain's Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton was the target of racist insults over the weekend while undergoing tests with his McLaren-Mercedes team at Montmelo near Barcelona, the Spanish press reported on Sunday.

Catalan daily El Periodico reported it was a group of Fernando Alonso supporters who were making the chants, but some quarters reported that Michael Richards, the ex-Seinfeld actor was the one behind the upheaval.

"Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f--king fork up your arse." Richards was heard to utter.

"He paced across the stage taunting Hamilton each time he left the pit" claimed a Spanish onlooker. "So we heckled back: "That was uncalled for, you f--king cracker-ass motherf--ker."

Richards retorted: "Cracker-ass? You calling me cracker-ass, puta?"

Richards was escorted from the circuit without further incident.

Klien Summoned for Military Service

2008-01-23T22:30:00.000-08:00

After missing out on the vacant Force India race cockpit for 2008, Christian Klien has been summoned by the Austrian army to do six months of mandatory military service this year.

The 24-year-old was on Thursday ordered to report for duty at Vorarlberg, the western province that houses his home town Hohenems. His hair was cut, his back was straightened and the surly curl to his lip was replaced by a bright eye and a strong chin.

After basic training in Texas, he will be sent to work as a Jeep driver in Freiburg, West Germany, far from the nearest recording studio or movie lot. Klien's's manager, the old carny who called himself Colonel Tom Parker, wangled a two-month draft deferment so Klien could finish filming 'King Creole' for Hal Wallis and Paramount Pictures.

Trulli dissappeares up own balaclava.

2008-01-12T13:36:00.000-08:00

At the launch of Toyota's TF108, Jarno Trulli had to be cut, not from the vehicle but his own balaclava which he had put on back to front.

"Many press thought they'd mixed us up with the recent Tutankhamen exhibition", team principal Tadashi Yamashina said. "I've got kid's to feed! This is an absolute disaster."

"I wish he'd never been born" - Coulthard

2008-01-12T13:27:00.000-08:00

Ahead of the 2008 season, veteran Scot, David Coulthard has glanced over his shoulder at what life would have been like if the Schumachers had used a Jiffy condom.

DC: "Michael was such a large part of my career and trying to beat him was obviously very difficult. To reminisce of my best championship year, I finished second, and I finished second to him. So if he had just never been born then maybe it could have been different!"

Photocopy man honoured at Maranello

2007-12-20T13:28:00.000-08:00

Ferrari president Luca di Montezemolo invited the British photocopy shop employee who helped uncover the McLaren spy scandal to Italy to thank him.

"If it had not been for that photocopy man we would not have known anything about this story," Montezemolo told reporters on Wednesday at the carmaker's end-of-year celebration at their Maranello headquarters.

The anonymous employee was ushered into Maranello's front door in front of 100 members of the press.

"As soon as I got inside, I was given a Patrick Tambay beer coaster and shown the back door", the unidentified man explained.

"They can photocopy my ass!" he said.

Renault: Too stupid to cheat!

2007-12-07T21:35:00.000-08:00

Renault was not penalised for possessing confidential McLaren technical information due to “lack of brains”, the FIA revealed on Friday

A technical drawing depicted an innovative ‘J-damper’ system developed by McLaren as a substitute for the tuned mass dampers which were banned by the FIA in July 2006.

Renault admitted to using this information when it requested a rule clarification from the FIA due to concerns about the legality of McLaren’s damper system.

However, the WMSC said the hypothetical design Renault supplied to the governing body suggested that "Renault fundamentally misunderstood the operation of the system and suggested that while you can lead a monkey to water, you can't necessarily teach him the fundementals of salinity via efficient water irrigation.".

GM to sue F1 Fraternity

2007-12-06T23:34:00.000-08:00

General Motors are said to be considering legal action against FOM, citing intellectual property rights to F1's dowforce producing technology.

After the invention of downforce-producing wings first applied to an Opel speed record car in the 1920s, the technology was taken up by Swiss racer/engineer Michael May in the '50s and thereafter by GM, whose programme gave us the be-winged Chaparral sports racers of the mid-60s.

In 1968 the technology found its way into F1 via Ferrari and Brabham, but only now has the money been sufficient enough for a lawsuit.

"We've got to thank Max on this one" a GM executive explained with a moth full of molars. "How does one hundred-billion sound?"

Alonso Honda seat fitting confirmed.

2007-12-02T16:35:00.000-08:00

Rumours circulating that World Championship runner-up Fernando Alonso had been to Brackley for a seat fitting at Honda Racing have been confirmed.

Despite Honda's dismisals of the rumours, GP Specialist sources have evidence of a '85 seat-fitting consisting of derriere DNA samples and a spat-out dummy residing in the foot-well area.

Alonso's management could not confirm or deny hte allegations were seen in talks with Tonka sponsership representatives during the week.

Fisi Calender a Fizzer

2007-11-28T13:12:00.000-08:00

The emergence of Giancarlo Fisichella in a lurid video has prompted a ban against the Roman making any more "beefcake" calendars.

"Future editions of the calender which hoped to raise more than $150,000 for Fisichella's Force India campaign.. have been banned", F1 supremo, Bernie Eccelstone told the German magazine Auto Motor und Sport.

Eccelstone acted after a "Fisi's Gone Wild" video emerged of Fisichella and Antonio Luizzi stripping naked before several enthusiastic women in 2004, The New York Daily News reported Saturday.

"It's ridiculous!", an unrepentant Fisichella explained. "You can get a hot dog from El Capitan’s or a scone from the coffee Lady, but everyone goes bezerk about a little arrosto italiano!"

Luizzi joined Formula 1 after the video was filmed and, therefore, will not face any discipline, Auto Motor und Sport reported.

Michael creams Banana Splits

2007-11-26T18:21:00.000-08:00

Michael Schumacher has trounced children's TV star has-beens, the Banana Splits at Six Flags Raceway, Arlington, Texas yesterday.

Respoding from a challenge from tea-leader Fleagle, Schumacher flew to the U.S. to take part in the team challenge. Siding with rival club the Sour Grapes, Schumacher competed in a series of pie-contests, dancing in purple leotards and go-go boots and culminating in a dune-buggy race.

Bingo, Drooper and Snork shattered by the defeat claiming Schumacher was a "schurkachtig handelen pisang!"

Ferrari colostomy bag explodes!

2007-11-17T15:54:00.000-08:00

Amidst a hearing to clarify the FIA's position on fuel temperatures, Ferrari's top brass have exploded in a tidal wave of self-righteous bullshit and misguided vitriol. Despite BMW Team Principal Mario Thiessen agreeing that "the case had thrown up uncertainties about the fuel temperature regulations that needed resolving before the start of next year", Ferrari were unrepentant in their parochial attack.

"A final and desperate attempt to change the result obtained on the track was rejected. Now, all our efforts are focused on preparing for next season. Conne! Conne! " Jean Todt

"Shameless hypocrites devoid of any integrity". Nigel Tozzi

"Shitbag, ignorant tool cock emo faggot fuckhead homo jerk prick pussy shit smacktard!" Ferrari President Luca di Montezmolo.

Williams counts the cost

2007-11-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

Speaking about his two drivers for the upcoming season Frank Williams said: "I am delighted to confirm that Nico (Rosberg) will be partnered by Kazuki (Nakajima), who has impressed the team over the past year. He has plenty of talent and the right aptitude to develop into a competitive Formula One racer.. Why are you looking at me like that?? What the @#^% do you want me to do??.. Toyota have got my balls in a vice!! At least he won't take the shine off Nico!! Now leave me alone. I've got some money to count!"

Stipe urges Hamilton to play it both ways.

2007-11-07T12:11:00.000-08:00

At his recent appearance at the the European MTV Music awards, Lewis Hamilton was seen deep in coversation with REM's Michael Stipe.

"It's been a great night! Peter Buck showed be some pointers on what to do with champagne and Michael gave me a lot of good advice on face-painting!" Beamed a star-struck Lewis. "He said now that I've mind-fucked my opposition on the track it was now time to gender-fuck them as well".

Transgenderism is the big new thing in Hollywood with stars like Cate Blanchett recently playing a circumsized musician in the recent film about Bob Dylan.

Asked if this was something he'd been contemplating, Hamilton was matter-of-fact.

Yeah. I kind of like gender-fucking. And I think sexuality is a really slippery thing. I think a lot of people agree with me.. F1 has had a long line of gender-fuckers from Didier Pironi to Jacques Villeneuve and I'd like to carry on that tradition".

Carry on Bernie..

2007-11-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

New light has been shed on Bernie Eccelstone's relationship with Ferrari during the Schumacher years.

A new book by Nigel Stepney titled 'Bernie's Backyard"'claims Eccelstone and Schumacher were closer than people previously thought and that the two men shared a special kinship.

"Schumacher's Bennetton deal was done in a Turkish bathhouse.. Which is strange for Sheffield" claimed Stepney. "But I think the photo's I've collated tell the real story".

'Bernie's Backyard's' release pending a July court hearing.

Matchmaker Murray

2007-10-24T01:06:00.000-07:00

Speculation have persisted over the last few month's that ex-BBC commentator and Honda ambassador Murray Walker, has been embroiled in a covert mail-order bride ring for Grand Prix bosses.

Rumoured to have brokered the deal between Michelle Yeoh and Jean Todt, Murray was questioned in Shanghai's '下午喜悅' or 'Afternoon Delight Restaurant', Murray was at pains to explain the situation.

"You have to understand".. explained Walker. "It was the 80's and I was travelling to the Malaysian GP with Dietrich Maetezitch when we found we'd been robbed by.. You know.. A Ladyboy! The first time I was so ashamed I didn’t power-slam the little scum-ball there and then!.. Second time I caught the bitch red-handed and said to myself “Wait a minute, this is a dude”. I then proceeded to kick his silicone derriere from here to Nong Pam! Dietrich stopped me an suggested we could go into business with these surgically altered freaks. Since then we've had a steady stream of customers from Jean Todt to Flavio Briatore.. You look like a keen customer yourself!..
O come! I know ladyboy for you!You like ladyboy crazyboy?"

Kimi honoured in BBC Tribute

2007-10-23T03:51:00.000-07:00

In celebration of Kimi Raikonnen's 2007 World Championship victory, the BBC will be airing a special documentary celebrating the Finnish driver's road to F1 success.

Titled "Kimi - A Life In the Grip of Alcohol", is an artistic look at Kimi's life with never before seen home video footage of Raikonnen; who uses a video diary to express what life is like with his alcoholic friend Mika.

Kimi drinks up to 15 pints of lager a day and often goes AWOL on extended binges. He started drinking 20 years ago, a problem brought on by geographical nascency and further fueled by unreliable race machinary. The doco is also shot through revolutionary filter techniques which can accurately depict Kimi's exact state of inebriation.

The documentary airs this Friday at 8:30 pm.

Wikipedia Vandal caught!

2007-10-16T16:42:00.000-07:00

The Wikipedia vandal responsible for making "degrading" alterations to Lewis Hamilton's Wikipedia profile has been revealed.

Originally believed to be a Spanish Mercedes representative, Interpol focused their resources onto the McLaren camp itself. Mercedes Motorsport Head, Norbert Haug would not name the culprit but identified the means of identification Interpol used to isolate the vandal.

"He had a very unusual style", explained Haug. "Instead of typing his alterations, he wrote directly onto the computer screen with a ball-point pen - we suspect to avoid electronic surveillance.. He was eventually caught re-editing a particularly long section; being forced to run off the computer screen, onto the pit-garage floor and onto Lewis's helmet - which he was wearing at the time".

Vettel appears at CIK-FIA campaign

2007-10-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

FIA Institute Deputy President Prof. Gérard Saillant and CIK-FIA President Luigi Macaluso attended the recent World Karting Championship event in Angerville, France to help launch ‘Race True’, a CIK-FIA and FIA Institute backed anti-doping campaign. Special guest Sebastian Vettel was also in attendance.

Vettel warned youngsters about the use of drugs in sport.

"Drivers,.. like all professional.. Ath.. Ath..letes.. Must be extra careful." Explained Vettel. "Not wanting to take drugs is not.. Result in a dope.. contest... They must be feeling.. sick.. Where am I?.."

Fuji still counting the cost

2007-10-12T01:17:00.000-07:00

Fuji Speedway have employed local vagrants to recover the 350 million yen ($3 million USD) that was refunded to spectators whose seats offered poor views of Sunday's Japanese Grand Prix, according to Japanese media.

Organisers say they’ve recovered 12.75 yen left under the general seating area.

“At this rate, we should recoup our losses by the year 29300000” a Fuji spoke-person said.

Piquet moves mountains

2007-10-12T00:34:00.000-07:00

Amidst growing concern that Formula One’s younger drivers have no interest in safety concerns, Nelson Piquet Jnr shocked the Grand Prix Drivers Association by attempting to shift the Shanghai pit exit five-feet.

“I noticed on Friday I was caught out with Timo trying to exit” explained Renault’s Friday tester. “So I took matters into my own hands”.

“Whilst we applaud Nelsino’s enthusiasm for safety, I’ve seen retards do more intelligent things” responded GPDA director Fernando Alonso.

Piquet-Jnr is in Shanghai International Hospital under observation.

Mercedes hunts for Wikipedia vandal

2007-10-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

Mercedes-Benz has begun a search for one of its employees in Spain, who vandalised the Wikipedia entry on Lewis Hamilton. Entries on the free online encyclopedia can be edited by any person, but the website keeps track of the changes.

Last week on Friday, an unregistered user accessing Wikipedia from an IP address belonging to Mercedes-Benz in Spain made several unflattering modifications to the Hamilton entry. The modifications falsely accuse Lewis of studying medieval literature, Christian apologetics, literary criticism, and fiction; citing he is best known today for his series The Chronicles of Narnia, and Alice In Wonderland.

In a statement, Lewis also refuted any allegations he had ever had close relations with J.R.R Tolkien.

Honda - The power of "Whoa"

2007-10-07T16:48:00.000-07:00

Honda Racing have announced Keanu Reeves will be official test driver in their 2008 line-up. It is believe Reeves will continue to mix acting roles with official testing duties.

“Keanu’s Hollywood commitments shouldn’t pose a problem” explained Honda Team Principle Nick Fry, “If need be he can phone in his performance, which is quite accepted these days I’m told.. That’s partly why we’re hiring Keanu.. His billigerent use of the term “Whoa” can express a wide variety of emotions and cognitive processes in the most economic way possible.. He should have no problem fitting in”.

Rosberg: 'Don't Fire Wurz'

2007-10-05T00:08:00.000-07:00

Keke Rosberg has reportedly made an emotional plea to Frank Williams to retain the services of Alexander Wurz next season.

"You know someone better than Alex?" the Finn was misquoted as wondering to sportnet.at.

The comments were not intended as question moreas fact, given the potential recipients for next year's seat such as Timo Glock, Adrian Sutil and Nelson Piquet Jnr.

"Nelson wouldn't go to Spyker cause he's afraid of Adrian, and Nico's afraid of everyone! Please Frank! Keep Wurz cause he makes my son look like a fucking genius!"

Alonso: "I believe in miracles"

2007-10-04T21:32:00.000-07:00

Fernando Alonso still believes a miracle could take him past McLaren teammate Lewis Hamilton to a third successive Formula One world title. The 26-year-old world champion trails his British rookie rival by 12 points with a maximum of 20 up for grabs at this weekend's Chinese Grand Prix and the season finale in Brazil two weeks later.

"Until mathematically you are out of the chance to win the championship, you don't give up."
the Spaniard told a news conference on Thursday. "I believe in miracles.. You sexy thing.. How did ya' know I needed you so badly? How did ya' know I gave my heart gladly.. Yesterday I was one of a lonely people
Now you're lying next to me.. Making love to me.."

Horner praises his ‘Upchuck Jumbuck’

2007-09-30T23:51:00.000-07:00

Mark Webber had more to contend with than just the loss of his potential podium in Japan yesterday, as he also drove the entire race suppressing a dog’s breakfast.

Red Bull team boss Christian Horner explained, "In Formula One you face many emotions and today Mark was driving a fantastic race. He had food poisoning this morning, which he was battling with and threatened to throw up in the car. We knew straight away it was not a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’."

“He hadn’t swallowed his food properly and the g-forces were obstructing his ability to follow through.. But in true Aussie fashion, he kept pushing. We could here him on the radio yelling “I see a whole strawberry! Repeat! I see a whole strawberry!!” We screamed back “Push!.. Push!..”. When Sebastian hit him (Mark) in the rear all hell broke loose! It was very noisy and chunky. The entire pit-crew hit the decks.. Well their stomachs did anyway!”

FIA to back up emails with ‘printed notices’

2007-09-30T23:49:00.000-07:00

After Ferrari failed to receive before today's Japanese Grand Prix an email from the race stewards instructing all teams to fit extreme weather tyres on their cars before the race, the stewards discussed the matter late into the evening at Fuji. A statement from the race stewards cited:

"To avoid any recurrence of today's problem, the agreed method of using electronic communications will continue to be used but in the future will be backed up by the traditional method of written confirmation and in the case of Ferrari will be woven onto a 50 cm by 70 m (20 in by 230 ft) long gold embroidered cloth which depicts the events leading up to the 1066 Norman invasion of England as well as the events of the invasion itself. The Tapestry is annotated in to be embroidered in Latin."

Stewart a "halfwit" - Mosely

2007-09-25T23:38:00.000-07:00

FIA President and fascist offspring Max Mosley has labelled three-time World Champion Jackie Stewart a "halfwit".

After increasing criticism from Stewart over the way the FIA handled the 'Stepneygate' affair, Max has hit back.

"Some of the sponsors listen to him because he's (Stewart) won a few championships. But nobody else in formula one does - not the teams, not the drivers. He's a figure of fun among drivers," Mosley added.

Mosley cited Stewart's tartan trousers and caps for proof, adding, "He goes round dressed up as a 1930s music hall man. He's a certified halfwit."

Stewart was non-plussed.

"I'm very flattered with Max's remarks" replied Stewart, "but I'm not the real hero. He should be congratulating Neil Moran, whom I believe has a full doctorate in buffoonery".

Stewart was referring to Neil Horan of Nunhead, the 56-year-old man and charged him with "aggravated trespassing" during the 2003 British Grand Prix.

Red Bull experience 'human traffick'

2007-09-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

Red Bull owner Dietrich Mateschitz, has been accused of smuggling large quanities of his famed energy drink onto Laucala Island, off Fiji.

Banned on the island, Mateschitz was rumoured to have been experimenting with child smuggling; where a young boy or girl would consume large quantities of Red Bull, be 'escorted' onto the island by an F1 celebrity as part of a tendentious promotional campaign, only to be 'drained' at a secret laboratory somewhere on the island.

This incriminating photo of Mark Webber was taken by Eddie Irvine, who was on the island visiting 'friends'.

You've got mail!!

2007-09-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

Red Bull Racing may face exclusion from the 2008 World Constructors Championship after reports that Mark Webber received a letter from Ferrari President Luca di Montezmolo yesterday.

The letter titled 'You May Already Be A Winner!', contained detailed documentation on Ferrari's F2008 chassis and urged the recipient to 'act now to avoid disappointment!'. Drivers have been warned to not open any mail coming from Marenello.

"I was so excited!", recounted a distraught Webber. "It was the only thing I'd won all year!"

Super Aguri driver, Anthony Davidson confirmed he had also received a similar letter, but contained small doses of white powder he thought was "anthrax".

When questioned about the letters, Montezmolo was unrepentant.

"Yes we (Ferrari) sent the letters.. In fact we sent them to everyone. There's more than one way to win a championship you know!"

The FIA were said to be too busy dividing up a recent windfall to give the matter "serious consideration".

Pro-Drive name approval.

2007-09-14T02:58:00.000-07:00

Pro-Drive could neither confirm or deny their McLaren customer car entry for 2008 will go under the moniker of (defunct American car manufacturer) 'Delorean'.

Pro-Drive chief David Richards, was at pains to suggest the team title but did conceed the name would be apt given the 2008 Formula One regulations will require fuel to be made up of 6% biological material. This biofuel will consist of things such as manure, fish and plant oils, and agricultural waste.

Mosley refurbishes home.

2007-09-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

After the hard slog of fining McLaren and docking their World Championship Constructors points, FIA President Max Mosley has rewarded himself with a $100 million home refurbishment.

The design, itself a homage to the 30's architecture of Albert Speer is a homage to Mosley's late father Oswald Mosley and his mother Diana Guinness, née Mitford, (one of the celebrated Mitford sisters). who married in secret in 1936, in the Berlin home of human hobbyist, Joseph Goebbels.

Kimi lured by vodka-flavoured ice-cream!

2007-09-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

In a statement made during this weekend's Monza press conference, Jarno Trulli has cast dispersions on Ferrari's tactics during the end of season driver market - and the signing of one Kimi Matias Raikonnen.

Speaking to Dan Knutson of 'Speed Sport News', Trulli explained" "I have always been contracted with other teams and I had no connection with them (Ferrari). But they have always been good to me. They always give me ice cream! So I am happy…"

When asked about his signing, Kimi Raikonnen's referred only to a "queer old balloon man" whistleing like a Siren, luring children. There seemed to be a magical quality about him and the ice-cream.. I went for a ride in the sky with him..".

Luca de Montezemolo was unavailable for comment.

Coulthard Biography rewrite's history.

2007-08-31T00:58:00.000-07:00

David Coulthard has come under fire (yet again) for his autobiography 'It Is What It Is', for a horde of alleged "historical accuracies". In his book, Coulthard not only claims to have driven for Benetton in the mid-90's, he also claims to have won two world championships with the team.

In other chapters he takes credit for inventing a worm-driven cylinder boring machine, being the creative driving force behind Travis, Idlewilde and Belle & Sebastion, and becoming the first female President of Guatemala.

The claims have come at a time when Coulthard had crtiticised team-mate Mark Webber; saying that his sports-related fundrasing activities are a "shameless exercise in self-promotion".

Fisi's Italian Job

2007-08-30T00:18:00.000-07:00

Giancarlo Fisichella was arrested today driving down the iconic Spanish Steps in Rome.

After hurtling down the 138 marble steps, the evergreen Renault driver was found slumped at Jarno Trulli's Toyota Celica's steering wheel by police - and more than twice the drink-driving limit.

"I think I was at a press launch.. That's all I remember", explained a hungover Fisichella.

Trulli denies any involvment, citing the car was "stolen three weeks ago".

Sources were quick to point out Giancarlo was at a press launch that day - for his beverage 'Drive Beer'.

Alonso's Science of Sleep

2007-08-29T23:38:00.000-07:00

In an effort to gain an understanding into Fernando Alonso's inter-team difficulties this year, McLaren technical wizard's have analized Alonso's dreams.

"The results were startling", confirmed McLaren CEO Martin Witmarsh. "There was a dream where Fernando was competing for Arrows against an entire field of Ferrari competitors.. in a game of soccer!.. I'm no psychologist but fuck! Talk about getting your back up.. Get over yourself!"

McLaren techs believe this dream may signify an aggressive, sexual act, however when Alonso's teeth were knocked out many believed he was going through menopause.

Hamilton deny's fido with Dido.

2007-08-25T23:36:00.000-07:00

Fresh on the heels of his court battle with the creator's of 'Dirty Dancing', Lewis Hamilton has now been forced to deny rumous that he'd bedded luke-warm pop star, Dido.

"I just found out the other day that I've slept with Dido", recalled Hamilton. "I don't remember it."

Whilst Hamilton claims to have no memory of the encounter, he did not rule out it may have happened.

"She's like the musical equivalent to a Marks and Spencer ready-meal – it has an air of class and it tastes pleasant enough, but in the long run is pretty dull, unmemorable, impossible to distinguish from anything else of its kind, and not very good for you.. You try to block these things out you know?"

Biography not 'sex' book claims Coulthard

2007-08-24T01:48:00.000-07:00

David Coulthard spoke at Istanbul Park on Thursday about his recently released autobiography, ‘It is What It Is’. The book charts Coulthard’s rise from humble origins in a rural Scottish village to a life of fame and fortune. With photography by Steven Meisel Studio and film frames shot by Fabien Baron - who worked on Madonna’s ‘Sex’ book - comparisons have been made with the pop star’s controversial coffee table piece.

“I think the controversy stems from a photo of me kneeling on the ground with my dog underneath me on its back”, explained a defensive Coulthard. “..creating the impression that I’m straddling the animal. However, should one look closely at the photograph, one will see that I’m is not straddling the dog's head at all, but rather kneeling on both knees beside the dog.. It's fairly obvious.. really.."

David Coulthard’s autobiography, It is What It Is, is on sale now, price £18.99, published by Orion.

Lewis in "a corner"

2007-08-23T01:36:00.000-07:00

Lewis Hamilton has been served bu Lions Gate Films for infringing copyright with the term "Nobody puts baby in a corner".

The outburst came during an altercation with Kimi Raikkonen and Felipe Massa in a Budapest toilet block.

The quote, said by Patrick Swayze at the climax of the 1987 'Dirty Dancing' film starring Swayze and Jennifer Grey, has achieved a cult-like status, marketed and often repeated in films and TV shows for 20 years. Lionsgate, a unit of Lions Gate Entertainment Corp., seeks to prevent Lewis from selling merchandise containing the phrase, as well unspecified statutory and actual damages, treble damages and punitive damages.

Alonso: "One race at a time.. I think"

2007-08-19T14:57:00.000-07:00

Fernando Alonso will contest his 100th F1 Grand Prix this coming weekend in Turkey and as he fights to make up a seven-point gap to team mate Lewis Hamilton, he revealed he is just taking it one race at a time.

"We are in a strong position in both Championships and there are a lot of points to be won in the final six races. However, we are looking at the races five by one.. Or two by three.. It all depends. If my focus is on this Grand Prix and say.. Sao Paulo, then it works as a group G set F with a binary operation. But then again if I pick an element in G denoted by a*b (i.e., satisfies closure)) that satisfies the following 3 axioms: Taking out that C*NUT Hamilton containing two or more of the same associative operators in a row; 1. putting him in the wall, 2. putting him over the wall, 3. Borrowing Montoya's helmet and putting him in a fucking tree! The order of operations does not matter as long as the sequence of the operands is not changed. That is, rearranging the parentheses in such an expression will not change its value. Consider that and stay fashionable idiota!

Kubica in danger of being smarter.

2007-08-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

Initial speculation that Robert Kubica has put his massive Montreal shunt in Montreal behind him has given way to fears that the Polish driver's brain may be swelling out of all proportion.

Doctors are concerned for BMW-Sauber's staff as Robert's thirst for knowledge is superceding the abilities of key technical personnel.

"His increase in head circumference measurements is way out of proportion to other body dimensions or a single head circumference measurement which greatly exceeds the 97th percentile", said former F1 doctor Sid Watkins. "Evaluating the mental status.. I'd say we're all in trouble.. He's the fucking Lawnmower man!"

Speed infiltrates 'Bad Boys'

2007-08-14T15:18:00.000-07:00

Scott Speed has attempted to enter Eddie Jordan's television show 'Bad Boy Racers' it was discovered last Tuesday.

"The 'Bad Boy Racers' are a group of 8 young men involved in car crime in England who Eddie takes under his wing and gives them another start at life", a television source explained. "We believed Scott misread the show as a doorway back into F1"

"The first sign was when a Torro Rosso employee discovered a TR2 on bricks in Budapest.. At which point the team contacted us" the source claimed.

"We had grown suspicious of a slightly older member of the group who was a bit over the top. He prefixed his introductions with 'yeah - I'm a right Chav' and 'ooweeer - I will nick you'. Sure enough, when we removed his beanie.. it was Scott".

Speed apparently explained his actions from being from a "broken home".

Spyker for sale

2007-08-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

Dutch sports car maker Spyker Cars NV might sell some or all of its Formula One team as part of a refinancing plan and strategic review, Spyker said on Tuesday. The vice-chairman of its supervisory board, Hans Hugenholtz, who has temporarily take on the role of CEO at Spyker said he was open to offers.

"Hi! My name is Hans! How can I put you in this car today?", said Hans, adding that he was reviewing a number of unsolicited received offers for the team or parts of it.

"The nice thing about this car is that it's safe" added Hans. "Look at Albers.. Not a scratch on him. Tell you what.. I'm gonna write a number on this here piece of paper here.. Look at it.. tell me what you think.. The price on the winglets is merely a 'suggestion', not a soft dollar deal. No sir! Only one previous owner.. Okay two, but he was an Irishman who only used it on weekends!"

Overtaking Plan is Go!

2007-08-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

Formula One teams are edging closer to agreeing on a future car design that will improve overtaking.

The Overtaking Working Group or (Pick Your Nose Through Your Arsehole Association) held an evaluation meeting and have now agreed on the design that could be introduced as soon as 2009. McLaren engineering director and PYNTYA chairmain Paddy Lowe was proud of his team's achievement.

"I think we've finally settled on the most convoluted and uneconomical solution available", explained Patty. "Talks had just about broken down until Rory Byrne suggested a complicated system of cryopreservation; where a car and driver could be momentarily sent into a state of suspended animation.. Kind of like sculpting small lumps of water into the shape of ice-cubes.. Or just.. ice-cubes."

Tarantino woos old Bulls

2007-08-10T14:55:00.000-07:00

Quentin Tarantino was spotted in the pits at Budapest scouting for extras to appear in his new exploitation film ‘Chinfestation’. Speaking with Mark Webber and David Coulthard, Tarantino was optimistic about the pair’s involvement. Webber however, went pains to illustrate the more altruistic motives for his participation in the project.

“Quentin assures me the working title 'Geniophobia and Fear of Chins', will deal with how the disease significantly impacts the quality of life”, explained Webber. “It can cause panic attacks and keep people apart from loved ones and business associates. People don’t know this but Patrick Head is a major sufferer”.

To learn more about our 24-Hour Fear Of Chins Program, please call 1-800-828-7484.

Irvine - "McLaren duo are babies"

2007-08-10T01:16:00.000-07:00

Former Formula 1 tool-monkey Eddie Irvine can't believe what has happened at McLaren last weekend in Hungary. The former bleach-blonde-Ulsterman didn't have any positive words for the McLaren duo. He furthermore said: "If they were to make a sequel of the film 'Million Dollar baby', then Lewis and Fernando would surely be the stars. I'd call it 'Multi-Million Dollar Babies!' If they want to behave like men then they should do the following; run a multi-million dollar mid-level F1 team into the ground, bolster your entire career on the back of a fist-fight with a deceased World Champion and throw a championship away that was handed to you on a plate.. Oh and name your boat after your enormous.. I mean a snake.. name it after a snake. They’re my four rules of thumb. I was all thumbs anyway”.

Lewis tastes the Candy.

2007-08-07T22:20:00.000-07:00

Amidst the the saga at Budapest, Lewis Hamilton has taken inspiration from his favorite John Candy film.. 'Cool Runnings'.

"When things get tough and lots of different things come into it I think about a film I really like called Cool Runnings. There is a song in it called Rise Above It, and that's what I say to myself. Get on with what you are doing."

Speculating on his near miss pole-position thanks to being held up in pit-lane, Lewis was philosphical.

"A true As you can see this weekend and today, I was quicker. It's a great feeling for me Ah sey one.. all fruits right mon.. Now naa badda mi bumbuclot!"

Rumours are circulating that Lewis' new found inspiration are a mixed response to Eddie Jordan's advice to "cool off" after the Budapest furore.

Spanish body in the shits.

2007-08-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

The Spanish motorsports' federation, the RFEA, has voiced its displeasure at Fernando Alonso's penalty during qualifying for the Hungarian Grand Prix by arranging for an African elephant to take a dump outside FIA's headquarters.

RFEA on Sunday showed its support for Alonso, and said it will take all the necessary measures to clear up the situation.

"The RFEA will show its most vigorous protest to the international bodies responsible for this decision, and it will take all the available measures ..."

Nelson's Moving Violations

2007-07-31T15:15:00.000-07:00

Nelson Piquet sr. took his first driving lesson again on Monday in Brazil after he lost his driving license for getting too many parking tickets and speeding tickets. The three-time champion will now have to take courses again to get back his driving license.

"I think we have to pay for our mistakes," Piquet told GP Specialist. "It's not even just a speeding problem. I got tickets for all kinds of reasons; for things like parking where I shouldn't, side-swiping ice-cream vans, running over Alan Jones, tail-gating learner drivers, driving whilst receiving a head-job, cooking Paçoca with a cigarrette-lighter rotisserie, running over Nigel Mansell.. Reversing over Nigel Mansell.. You know. All sorts of things."

FIA sends spy case to court of appeal

2007-07-31T14:13:00.000-07:00

Ferrari will get the chance to tell their version of the spying affair after FIA president Max Mosley decided to send the case to the Court of Appeal. Mosley's decision comes after a letter from Italy's automobile federation president Luigi Macaluso. Macuso's letter ran..

"We respectfully suggest that you, in your capacity as President of the FIA, in accordance with the powers granted to you by clause 23 paragraph 1 of the FIA Statutes and article 1 of the CIA rules, to seriously f**k up McLaren's s**t and hand us the World Championship!

As you know, Italy has a proud history of match-fixing and we ask the FIA to repect this in accordance with the rules applicable in front of the International Court of Appeal."

Yours 'respectfully',

The President of ACI - CSAI
Luigi Macaluso

"I was set up!" - Stepney

2007-07-31T14:01:00.000-07:00

Italian and British media have mentioned a mysterious white powder that was allegedly found in the petrol tanks of the Ferrari race cars six days before this year's Monaco Grand Prix.

Ferrari have not commented on the matter but Stepney said he had been set up.

"They put the powder in my trouser pocket while I was taking a shower," Stepney said without stating who he meant by "they", though some insiders believe he may be referring to the Wes Craven film 'They', in which people go insane when becoming obsessed with the seemingly innocent pronoun.

Red Bull test 'concept' car.

2007-07-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

Red Bull have just tested a computer simulated design that they hope will give them a head start on their rivals in the future.

"It will certainly save us a lot of funds and man hours" explained team principle Christian Horner. "..Well.. That's what we're hoping. Our designer Adrian's got a bit of a.. 'Tron' fetish.. He assures us.. Well me anyway.. That it's not getting in the way of his work, but.."

Chief Designer Adrian Newey defended his his vision: "This design might be radical in it's approach but I think you'll find - and I hope some smart person from Disney is reading this... If ever there was a movie crying out to be re-released into movie-theaters, it's 'Tron'. If it were released into theaters today it would be a smash hit, 'cause the movie-audiences of today would understand it a heckuva lot better than the movie-audiences of 1982.. Steve Lisberger was a genius! I love 'Tron'.. 'Tron' IS life".

Brundle/Hamilton caught in secret tryst.

2007-07-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

With a verbal embargo hanging over Ron Dennis' prodigy Lewis Hamilton, the press have been forced to use subterfuge to gain interviews with the youngster. One journalist who claims to have actually achieved an 'exclusive' with Hamilton is Martin Brundle.

"It was a lengthy process", explained Martin. "The timing had to be just right.. And the colours. I'd been watching 'E.T. The Extraterrestrial' and saw how Elliot lured E.T. to his room with a packet of M&M's. I figured hmmm.. I wonder if that could work on Lewis? Turns out he has a soft spot for hazelnut-crunch!"

A GP Specialist photographer snapped this photo of the encounter before being kidnapped by McLaren stand-over men.

Flavio understands Ferrari's frustration.

2007-07-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

Renault Formula 1 team boss Flavio Briatore has said he doesn't have a clue why McLaren didn't get any punishment after Thursday's World Motor Sport Council hearing.

Speaking from his bedside Briatore told Gazzetta dello Sport: "I don't understand what happened. Why isn't McLaren punished for having Ferrari documents? And why aren't they punished for stealing my driver? I was on the phone with Jean Todt.. A man who didn't steal my driver.. and he sounds very disappointed. I completely understand why he got angry with this verdict. I would be angry too if say.. A seal stole my woman!.. But is no woman.. Is a Spaniard.. What were we talking about again?

Yamamoto wins pissing contest

2007-07-27T15:32:00.000-07:00

Sakon Yamamoto has won Honda's annual 'Piss your Cash' festival at Brackley this year - the winner awarded a Spyker drive for the end of the year.

"Obviously I am very happy!", exclaimed an exuberant Yamamoto. "After Honda's state-of-the-art urinal facility received a new housing upgrade I knew I was in with a shot!"

Yuji Ide was last year's recipient.

Ferrari boss puts shit in ape.

2007-07-26T14:56:00.000-07:00

The FIA World Motor Sport Council has found that while McLaren were guilty of violating section 151C of the International Sporting Code, there was insufficient evidence to prove McLaren had benefited from leaked Ferrari data found at the home of their chief designer Mike Coughlan.

This has angered Ferrari Team Principle Jean Todt, who believed the result "violated the fundamental principle of sporting honesty".

The WMSC also moved that Todt may no longer refer to McLaren as "the Legion of Doom run by a balding Machiavellian industrialist" on the grounds it seemed too jingoistic.

Todt was forcibly removed from proceedings screaming "But you promised I could be Aquaman!.. You promised!!.. Next time Luther!.. Next time!!"

Ralph - "I'm as good as Katayama"

2007-07-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

Struggling Toyota driver, Ralph Schumacher has substantially altered his proclamation earlier in the year that he is "one of the top three drivers" in the world at the moment.

Instead, Ralph has re-assessed his credentials and admitted he is at least as good as ex-Tyrell driver, Ukyo Katayama. Katayama was once referred to by Murray Walker as, "the best driver that Grand Prix racing has ever produced", after Murray accidentally licked an hallucinogenic toad - later discovered to be Jean Todt.

"Don't underestimate Katayama", warned Ralph. "He might have been teamed up with wild man Andrea de Cesaris, but he managed more spins and crashes than Andrea ever could".

5-Year old Attacks Mosley

2007-07-25T16:45:00.000-07:00

During a school excursion to the Federation Internationale de la'Automobile, a five year old French girl stumped Max Mosley when the class was asked whether they had any questions for the FIA President.

Sucker-punching Max, the class teacher announced 5-year old 'Trudy' had a question about the "funny smell" in the bulding, only to unleash the following wringer:

"Mr Mosley..If McLaren can be held responsible for all persons concerned with their entry into the 2007 World Championship, why isn’t Ferrari also held accountable under the same provisions? If Stepney’s own conduct violates section 151c of the F1 Sporting Regulations (”..fraudulent conduct prejudicial to the interests of competition”), then surely Ferrari have a similar case to answer for – regardless whether their own employee was working to their own detriment or to the benefit of a competitor?".

"I wasn't expecting that", admitted an ashen-faced Mosley. "I was handing out free batches of Petit Miam when she accosted me!"

Montoya attacks magazine staff.

2007-07-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

F1 Racing staff were startled to see ex-McLacren driver Juan Pablo Montoya in their office yesterday. An allegedly unshaven Montoya burst into F1 Racing's London office demanding an 'exclusive'.

"He just burst in screaming obscenities", explained magazine Editor Matt Bishop. "He just kept screaming 'Nothing will make me return to F1!', and when no-one responded he got more violent saying - 'I refuse to argue with you.. You see??.. This is me refusing to argue with you!.. I'm explosive don't you know??".

"This is the third time this month and frankly we're getting sick of it", proclaimed Bishop.

"It all happened so quickly!", said a shocked Peter Windsor - who could not shed any light on Montoya's outburst as he was "under his desk" during the tirade.

Medical experts believe Juan Pablo's behaviour may stem from from an interview a few years ago, during which a news camera operator nearly "broke Motoya's head".

Luizzi's need for Speed.

2007-07-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

Antonio Luizzi has been quoted that he has an "intense desire for speed", but these recent photos of himself and fellow Torro Rosso driver Scott Speed have left Grand Prix insiders wondering. Clearly enjoying a secluded strole along Sylt - one of Germany's famous nude beaches - rumours are circulating that the duo are more than just team-mates.

According to sofeminine.co.uk, the couple have been on several dates, and were spotted together at a pre-race bash in Frankfurt; Speed wearing a bodice-hugging orange crepe number and Luizzi in classic black.

According to the site, Luizzi, is so smitten with Speed, that he recently organized a suprise birthday party for him last month.

One friend says, "It's the real thing - they have become very close. They are ready to let people know they are an item. They tried to act like they were not together at the party but couldn't stop staring at each other. They each share an intense amorousness for themselves - so have heaps in common."

Webbo salute's the minority.

2007-07-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

Celebrating his podium finish at the the Nurburgring this weekend, Mark Webber shocked German onlookers with an unorthodox one-finger salute, but defended his actions in the interests of global harmony.

"I really wanted to give a big 'thumbs up' after all that hard work", explained Webber. "Then on the cool-down lap I remembered an Iraqi documentary about catfish milking and recalled that sticking your thumb out was not the done thing in some countries".

It's true that "thumbs up" traditionally translates as the foulest of Iraqi insults—the most straightforward interpretation is "Up yours, pal!" The sign has a similarly pejorative meaning in parts of West Africa, Russia, Australia, Iran, Greece, and Sardinia.

"Good thing I remembered in time", grinned Webber.

Unfortunately some Iranian ziggurat kids did not share Mark's enthusiasm.

"We're f****d.. Seriously."

2007-07-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

Amidst growing concern from Australian viewers over the quality of Grand Prix telecasts, Channel Ten have sought to alter their GP hosting line-up of Greg Rust and Cameron McConville with cardboard cut-outs of Kimi Raikonnen and Mika Salo.

An anonymous Channel 10 canteen worker explained the decision. "At Ten we take critical and positive feedback from the weekend telecasts and found replacing McConville and Rust with these cut-outs will provide us with more in-depth analysis and be able to cut to telecasts more efficiently.. We tried everything, Even attaching colostomy bags over their mouths, but have been forced to make this radical adjustment".

Some of the viewer e-mails that have forced Channel Ten into this settlement have been;

"GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!"

"It's Sunday! We have to work!!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND START THE FREAKIN' RACE YOU TURDS!"

"It's listed as 11pm.. And I have to listen to 20 minutes of gibbering shit!"

Rust has not taken the news well and is said to have been seen rocking in the corner of the station's toilet cubicles. McConville on the other hand stated that he was "not aware he had even been doing the telecasts".